Q: How do I trust a man and create safe, conscious love?
Recently I held a conversation on Inner Child Healing & Conscious Relationships (LISTEN TO IT HERE) and I received the question “How do I trust a man and create safe, conscious love” and I felt called to speak to this topic directly as it is something I have been meaning to speak to for some time as it has been coming up a lot in feedback I have received from people who have opted in for my free ebook, Regulate (Get Your Copy Here).
It’s also an area I struggled with for many years and has been a fascinating journey uncovering where this stems from, the root cause of this pattern, the fears, conditioning and beliefs and liberating myself from this protection.
Yes… Protection.
That is what we are doing here. When we don’t feel safe, we protect and we do this in a number of ways that may not make logical sense to our present self but it’s a pattern that was developed earlier on in life that has been practiced over years and decades, strengthening this pattern, making it harder to shift it and let love in.
You see, letting love in is vulnerable.
And vulnerability can feel incredibly scary, trust me, I know…
I continue to move through these layers and explore deeper levels of trust, vulnerability and courage.
It’s not a “Do this one thing and than you will trust and have the love you want in the blink of an eye” kind of thing
It’s a journey and there are many layers to it and it will take time, patience, presence, compassion, and consistency.
There will be milestones along the way which I encourage you to celebrate and acknowledge along the way and there will also be deeper layers to move through, deeper initiations calling you within to meet the deeper parts of yourself that require your love and support to integrate.
Often on this journey we often call the “spiritual” or “healing” or “awakening” journey we come in with this idea that you have to heal something that is broken, release something that is not serving and essentially get rid of parts that we deem unacceptable, wrong or shameful.
I have learned on my journey that it’s not about getting rid of something and it’s actually about embracing all of you, loving all of you and supporting all the parts of you to come home.
The more you do this for yourself the more you will build self-trust which will allow you to trust others as well as discern who is trustworthy and who is not.
Trust isn’t something that we just willy nilly, to just anyone without a second thought… Or maybe there have been times where you have blindly trusted and been hurt and therefore now have protections to prevent you from experiencing that hurt again… In this instance, of course you would want to protect yourself and hold back from trusting another man or anyone for that matter, especially yourself… Because you chose to trust that person and it backfired and you may blame yourself and doubt yourself.
Rather than blaming yourself you can choose to learn from the experience and gain the wisdom that will increase your ability to discern in future situations so you don’t make the same mistake again.
But there is also healing to be done, supporting the part of your that is hurting from past experiences, integrating these parts, validating these parts, loving these parts and supporting them to feel safe inside of you and trust you.
As you build this deeper trust within yourself, you will feel safer and more at ease within yourself and when it comes to trusting another being you will be able to take the time to feel into whether or not you can trust this person and what needs to happen or be put in place for you to trust and open to love.
Trust is something we build over time and so as you navigate any kind of relationship you will naturally gather evidence that will let you know how much you can trust this person and if you are feeling that you cannot trust this person, get curious about what is telling you that you cannot trust and if possible you can have the conversation with this person to explain how you’re feeling and where it’s coming from, let them know what would be helpful and support you to trust them.
What are your needs, desires and boundaries within this relationship, whether it’s a partner, friendship, colleague, family member or anyone you are in relationship with… What are the needs, desires and boundaries, these need to be clearly communicated otherwise it will be challenging if not impossible to trust that person.
This is where we can feel a lack of trust… Due to not having these conversations, no one knows where they stand, no one knows the boundaries and therefore will likely cross them at some point and so we are constantly on edge, wondering not if they’ll be crossed but when…
So how do you trust a man and create safe conscious love???
It all starts with you.
How deeply do you trust yourself?
How deeply do you love yourself?
How much do you show up for yourself?
Much of our experience has elements of projection and if there is a need not being met perhaps you are not meeting your own needs. If there is a boundary being crossed, are you honouring those boundaries with yourself, are you honouring yourself by clearly expressing those boundaries…
So often we get caught in victim consciousness and the blame game. When you take radical self-responsibility and get really honest with yourself, you will begin to reclaim your power and transform your life and relationships.
This responsibility and honesty will also build trust within yourself and allow you to more deeply trust others.
I invite you to think about what needs to happen in order for you to trust someone.
In the instance of this question, what would support you to trust a man? What would he need to do and say, how would he need to show up, he would need to be consistent in these actions, he would need to follow through on his word, what else is important, what else would allow you to trust a man (or anyone)?
And then ask yourself…
Are you doing these things?
Are you trustworthy?
Do you trust yourself?
How can you build a deeper trust with yourself?
If you are not honouring your own word, if you are not honouring yourself or speaking up for yourself, setting boundaries and taking care of yourself, prioritising your needs, there will be parts of you that do no trust you and therefore will hijack the system when they don’t feel safe and push away anyone and anything that feels unsafe.
When you build trust within yourself you will have the opportunity in these situations to tune in and feel into what is the right decision for me, is this someone I can trust.
Inner child work is very likely required here… Meeting the parts of you that are not trusting of self and others.
A deeper exploration of what is at the root of all of this because it’s very likely that this lack of trust was developed at much earlier time in life, there will often be layers of this in childhood, adolescence, and other times of life that have created such a strong block or pattern.
Often these layers are invisible to the conscious mind and we may have no memory of what actually happened and that’s okay, it’s not about cognitively remembering and analysing but connecting through the body mind through the felt sense and this is something we can do in a variety of ways.
Inner child work is highly recommended with a trauma-informed mentor, coach, or somatic practitioner that you resonate with and feel safe with as it is deep work and a lot can come up, you want to know that you’re held and supported through the process.
This work will support you to integrate these parts of you and support you to feel safe to trust and open to love, you’ll gain so much wisdom from your experience and have a much deeper compassion for yourself and your experience, allowing deeper healing and strengthen your relationship to self.
It’s important to remember that this all begins with you.
The first part of this journey is really focusing on your relationships to yourself, trusting yourself.
These are the essential foundations that are required in order to trust another, open to love and create the conscious, deeply connected relationships you desire.
These are all areas that I support my clients and students in through my online program, membership and 1:1 coaching.
You can learn more about my signature 12-week program here
You can learn more about my 1:1 coaching here
My membership is included with both my program and 1:1 coaching.
I also have an incredible library of resources on my podcast, The Good Girl Unleashed, available on Apple, Google, Spotify & Podbean. I will be speaking to this topic on trust and opening to love very soon, so be sure to subscribe so you get notified when that episode is released.
I’d love to hear your feedback on this conversation and any follow up questions feel free to leave them in the comments below or message me directly.
