You are stronger than you know… My birth experience
“You are stronger than you know”, something I continue to remind our community of and something I recently experienced for myself on a whole nother level… 😳
Birth.
What a truly profound experience.
Not just the physical birth itself but the entire journey from conception to each of the trimesters of pregnancy, the waves of emotions, and the energetic and physical shifts, all that your body and mind move through, the anticipation of the birth, the uncertainty, the unknown, the mystery and even the 4th trimester is still part of the birth process…
When you birth your baby, you aren’t just birthing your baby, you are birthing a whole new you.
You are moving through the birth portal, a journey from maiden to mother, a journey of becoming the version of you that is being called forth.
I have found in both my pregnancies and birth, tremendous shifts, awakening, awareness, insights, wisdom, gifts, challenges, resistances, pain, discomfort, fear, uncertainty, intense emotional waves, the experience is truly beyond words but I do my best to express my experience with the intention to share what I learned as well as to help others surrender to the process with more ease and to receive the gifts of their experience.
Even if the birth experience doesn’t go to “plan”, the way you desire, or maybe it’s incredibly traumatic (as was my first), there are always gifts to be received and many lessons that will support you on your journey moving forward.
But often we can get caught up in stories that keep us stuck in a loop, holding you back from fully receiving, learning, growing, and moving forward.
I noticed this with my first birth… the story that I failed.
I failed myself, I failed my baby, I felt guilty, ashamed, humiliated, and like I had failed as mum before I had even really begun… This story impacted how I showed up in my life and with my new baby.
I struggled to connect, I felt disassociated and heartbroken.
I felt like I couldn’t get it, I didn’t know the cries, I worried if he cried too long he would be traumatised and so I was anxiously trying to fix the problem, as if there was always something to fix and I worried I was getting it all wrong and that I was a terrible mother.
I would cry every time he cried, I desperately wanted to fix what was “wrong” but I didn’t know if I was doing it right…
It was such an overwhelming experience and I felt so alone, so unsupported. Pretty quickly I dove into work and began prioritising work. What I didn’t know at the time was that this was a distraction.
Distracting myself from the deeper pain and heartache.
The amazing thing about my work is that I was supporting others on their journey of healing trauma, their inner child, cultivating self-love, self-acceptance, self-worth, overcoming triggers, and shifting their story, and the more I did this for others, the more it helped me to do the same for me.
The more I taught, coached, and shared, the more I learned, implemented, and embodied the teachings, the more I began to heal and shift myself, the more I began to release the story that I was a bad mother and I had failed.
And the more I began to acknowledge the amazing mother I am and even in the feeling that I had failed and the desire to be better was part of the amazing mother I am. I have such high expectations of myself because I know I can be better, I desire to improve and be the best I can be and I learned to love this part of me.
Slowly, slowly I began to love all parts of me, I began to have immense compassion for all parts of me and this has become the signature of my work… To embrace ALL of you, to love ALL of you.
Because all of you is worthy and deserving of love.
I developed the signature saying “All of you is welcome here”, something I remind our community of again and again and again, supporting this truth to become deeply known and embodied.
ALL OF YOU IS WELCOME HERE!
I am not about getting rid of anything, but embracing it all, loving it all.
So often people think the healing journey is about getting rid of what’s not serving, releasing something, healing or fixing something… But you are not broken.
There may be wounds that require attention, healing, support, love.
But you are not broken. You never were.
You are perfect.
You are divine.
I am simply here to remind you of what you already know deep down but has been buried and forgotten.
I am here to call you home to your authentic self, your truth, your power, your worthiness.
I am here to remind, guide, support, and share.
I had done a lot of inner work in the 2.5 years post my first birth but there was something about the birth that I was struggling to fully integrate. I couldn’t seem to accept the birth and how it went, I felt so disrespected in the whole of my birth experience, I felt so unsupported by everyone around me. I was so angry, furious even, deeply hurt, resentful and I couldn’t seem to let it go…
I desired to have a home birth but I had no support system, no plan, and no idea what birth was, what to expect, I held so much fear around birth due to a lifetime of conditioning and I was angry at the medical system, I was angry at society, I was angry at my family, I was angry at my partner, I was pissed off at everything.
I didn’t realise how deeply entangled in victim consciousness I was… I was being drained of my personal power.
I got to a point around the 20 hour mark where the back pain became so excruciating that I couldn’t seem to breathe through it anymore, I was in so much pain, I couldn’t handle it and I decided to transfer to the hospital, believing that it would likely end in c-section.
I remember sitting on my bed, feeling completely defeated, heartbroken, and like I failed. I remember this moment so vividly, it was an intense sinking feeling, I didn’t know what to do but I couldn’t handle the pain anymore.
It was one of the busiest nights in the hospital and I was taken to a waiting room to wait for them to finish cleaning the birthing room. In the waiting room I was under the brightest light, and given the gas to relieve pain (which did not work at all), I was put on a bed to lie on my back and hooked up to a monitor which was incredibly uncomfortable and restricting, how a woman in birth is meant to relax and breathe through contractions in this scenario I have no clue.
The doctor on duty that night was incredibly intense, overwhelming and traumatizing, she was disrespectful and caused me incredible pain, discomfort, and trauma, and validated the beliefs and anger I had toward the medical system, aggravating and enhancing the victim consciousness, anger and resentment that created a holding pattern which made it harder to heal from the birth experience afterward.
I held onto this anger toward the doctor and the resentment toward my partner for not protecting me and speaking up for me for years, really until my recent birth where I finally felt the readiness to let it go, heal and move forward.
I truly believe all the inner work I did over the past 3.5 years since my first birth is what supported me to have the healing experience I had in my recent birth.
It’s what brought me and my partner together, and has allowed me to support so many others on their journey of healing, coming home to themselves and deepening their relationships with themselves, their partner, their children and really all their relationships.
When you begin with your relationship to yourself, it ripples out and impacts all of your relationships.
I have been supporting predominantly mothers first and foremost with their relationship to self, in the past year I have expanded into supporting more deeply with relationships with their partner, as well as with their children. Overcoming triggers, healing their inner child, cultivating self-love and acceptance and deepening the connection, love and intimacy within their intimate relationships.
This work brings me great joy and I am so passionate about because I know what it feels like to struggle in these areas, to help others is incredibly fulfilling and in turn supports me to deepen in all of these areas also.
As I approached my recent birth I felt this deep calling, an initiation into the next evolution of my work.
I now deeply desire to support mothers, mothers-to-be, and couples through the birth portal. Whether that’s as you are trying to conceive, whether you’re currently pregnant, or have just entered the 4th trimester, or perhaps you have been a mother for some time but feel you are still holding onto trauma from a previous birth or resentment in your relationship.
In my first birth I felt so unsupported by my partner and this led to deep resentment that disconnected us.
The trauma from my first birth completely shut down my sexuality and I had no interest in ever having sex again, I felt so much resistance, deep blocks, lack of desire, disconnected from my body, myself and my partner, I felt elements of depression, fear, failure, guilt, and numbness.
This all guided me to do the deep inner work that was being called of me that took me to places beyond what I could have ever imagined.
I began to heal from not only the birth of my beautiful son, but from previous sexual trauma, relationship trauma and heartbreak, childhood experiences, I became more and more aware of the beliefs and stories I was carrying and how deeply entangled in victim consciousness I was and this began my journey of liberation and supporting others in their liberation.
I realised how divine it all was and how I was always being guided.
This all led to me becoming the woman I am today.
The woman who knows how strong, capable and powerful she truly is.
And I desire for more women to connect to this too.
In my recent birth, one of the most profound parts of this experience was when I got to my “breaking point”, it happened to be at a similar hour, a similar back pain experience, a similar dilation, when I felt myself give up… “I can’t do this”, I told my partner… And no matter what he said, he couldn’t change my mind.
I had had enough, and I decided that I was going to transfer and have another c-section.
I was done. I wasn’t cut out for birth after all.
In that moment I accepted that this was my fate.
I acknowledged that I was going to love this baby no matter how they came out.
In that moment I accepted how my first birth went and I acknowledged that the way I birth my children doesn’t have to define me, I can still be an amazing mother and I can still have a great impact on the world.
There was such a deep acceptance that released the heaviness from my being and I felt excited that my baby was almost here and the pain would soon be over.
I felt a part of me excited that I didn’t have to birth this baby through my yoni, and that was incredibly fascinating.
And so we transferred.
Within less than an hour we were at the hospital only to find out that In that time I had fully dilated and baby was coming.
I was in shock.
I really did not want to birth this human through my yoni, I was exhausted, I had now being birthing for about 26 hours with only 3 hours sleep the night before and I had had enough.
But she was coming and I had no choice but to find the strength within and continue on.
I had to let go of my mind, the thoughts, the stories, there was no space for them.
My body took over and was gracious enough to give me adequate rest in between pushes for which surprised me.
For 3 hours my body pushed and all I could do was surrender, there was nothing else.
Surrender, breathe, rest, allow.
I wasn’t pushing. My body was opening and releasing my baby into the world.
At 5.33am she emerged into the world and I wept.
Relief. Satisfaction. Euphoria. Joy. She was here.
I held her in my arms, her cord still attached and I felt the deepest connection and aliveness that I have ever experienced. Completely mind-blown that I just birthed this human naturally with no drugs, I felt like superwoman.
29 hours, holy cow, it was intense, painful, overwhelming, and absolutely divine.
I truly believe birth is designed to be a pleasurable experience, orgasmic and ecstatic, and is best for everyone to be a private, intimate experience at home in your own private environment.
This is what I had envisioned for myself but I understand why it didn’t unfold that way both times and I am at peace with this. I am truly grateful for all the support I received throughout my recent birth, at home and in the hospital.
I believe there is deep work to be done to unravel the conditioning, release the fears, beliefs and stories, and heal from past trauma, reconnect to our personal power, self-responsibility, and know how to regulate our nervous system, breathe through our experience, trust ourselves, our body, our support team.
There are so many elements that come into play and impact our birth experience and I am so grateful for all the work I did for myself in between my births that allowed me to have the healing experience this time round that I deeply desired.
Even though it didn’t unfold completely the way I had envisioned, I got what I needed and most desired.
Healing for me and my family and for this experience to bring us all closer together.
I also see how going back to the hospital where the traumatic birth of my son took place, allowed for healing that experience and releasing the pain, trauma, and anger I held toward the medical system and the doctor who disrespected me and my body.
I was able to fully let go, be supported, and trust my body.
I feel renewed, rebirthed, liberated.
I felt the transformation from maiden to mother that I didn’t fully experience with my first birth and I forgave myself for feeling and believing that I had failed in my first birth, I released the guilt and feel so much stronger in myself and as a mother.
And I am so excited to support other mothers to come into their power and THRIVE in their life and as a mama.
And to raise a whole new generation where our babies know their power, their worth, themselves.
So our babies have the tools, support, and knowing that many of us didn’t have until much later in life, if at all.
Here’s to shifting humanity in the best possible way for the benefit of all of us.
❤️
I will be sharing more of my birth experience on my podcast very soon, The Good Girl Unleashed Podcast, available on Google, Apple & Spotify
