What your external world is revealing about your inner world..
You may have heard it before that we live in a mirror world, in the sense that your external world/reality is a reflection of your inner world.
Recently I have been experiencing a profound, psychedelic and deeply healing shattering of my inner hall of mirrors.
What does this mean?
Well about 9 months ago I went deeper with intention setting.
When I first started setting intentions (about 8 years ago) I didn’t really know or understand what I was doing or the power of this practice. I learned of the Law of Attraction but some pretty important pieces from the knowledge I had received was missing and it appeared that the law of attraction wasn’t working for me.
I was increasingly frustrated and felt more and more like a powerless, helpless victim where life was happening to me out of my control rather than for me, for my healing, growth, evolution and so much more than I could ever comprehend.
We are living in quite an interesting world, having one truly tremendous journey even when it seems mundane, there is so much happening, so many subtle layers that often go unnoticed. This took me years to realize and when I did, holy smokes! My life completely changed, the world I perceived was nothing but an illusion with all these hidden gifts waiting to be received.
Excuse my tangents as I tend to be guiding in all different directions that all have significant meaning. If you’re here reading this, know that this exactly where you’re meant to be, reading and receiving exactly what you’re meant to. Sometimes it makes sense instantly and other times it’s the planting of a seed that will blossom in another now moment in divine timing.
So please bare with me as I guide you on this journey through my own personal experiences with the intention to offer some powerful insights and wisdom to support you on your journey.
Last month my intention was to release the resentment I could feel I was holding in my body.
I really resonate with the quote, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”, I heard this quote many years ago and it made so much sense, but for the first time at the beginning of July I could really feeeel this quote in my body. I was taking the poison and I had been for many years and I could feel the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual effects of this within me.
I knew it was time to let go and surrender this resentment, I knew it wasn’t serving me but I just couldn’t seem to let go prior to this, this time I knew I was ready.
So I set my intention to release the resentment.
At first I had thought majority of the resentment I was wanting to release was toward my partner Liam but as I journeyed through the month of July, I was taken by absolute surprise by what came through.
I was in fact looking into the mirror of my inner world, pawns in my illusive game that I perceived to be absolute truth.
“It’s not okay that you do this to me”, “You treat me like shit”, “You’re not supporting me, you’re not there for me”, “You obviously don’t care about me or you wouldn’t do this”, “I hate you”, “If this doesn’t change I’m leaving”, “You’re the reason I’m in this pain”, “We’re just not meant to be”, “You’re not doing the work”, “You’re not present”, “You’re not showing up”, “I can’t rely on you, I can’t trust you”, “You’re not providing for the family”, “I’m doing everything!”
These are just a few of the statements I repeated over and over again out loud and in my head, waiting for my external world to change in order for me to be happy, content and at peace.
One word…
PROJECTION!
I was projecting my deepest, darkest feeling about myself unto the one I love most in this world..
Why was I doing this???
Because he’s the only place I ever felt safe to let those parts of me be seen and not judged for them. Subconsciously I knew he would stick by me no matter what as I navigated these rocky waters, so I could heal and come through the other side more whole and authentic than ever.
I have been experiencing so much pain and suffering with these statements playing over in my mind and it was time to put an end to that suffering and receive the gift within.
The first big shift with this intention happened on our tour down south in Oamaru when I realized after a workshop that my statement of “I can’t rely on you or trust you” was about me.
About 8 years ago I began my awakening journey and began to seek my purpose in life. But even prior to this, my life carried out the same cycle.
It always went the same way..
An idea would arise, I’m going to do this, I would get really excited and quickly that excitement would turn to anxiety, I would think about all my fears and then all the reasons why I couldn’t do it, why I wasn’t good enough and never would be.
I would drop into a state of depression and go to my usual coping mechanisms.. Numbing, dissociation, perfectionism, foreboding joy, negative self-talk, binge watch tv shows, alcohol, food, partying, spiritual bypassing, anyway to avoid the deep pain inside.
I would eventually climb out of that hole, have another great idea, flowing inspiration, I’d start planning and visualising but when it got to actually taking the action steps that were need to create my dream, I would go back to fear, anxiety, not good enough, depression, shut down, party and so it continued…
Until the year 2019 when I finally had enough, I jumped on a plane and flew to the Gold Coast and began the deep work.
These cycles continued to play out very subtly but with consistency, perseverance and determination I began to break the cycle and in 2020 I was divinely guided to the business I now have. Consistency became a little easier and a little more easier and I found joy, passion and excitement in the work I was doing, I’d never felt this before in my life.
That passion propelled me forwards to greater heights that I had only dreamed of!
And this journey prepared me for what came through this last month.
Earlier this year I joined one of Tony Robbins 5-Day challenges with no intention to follow through, just to check it out really. I was taken by surprise and was completely drawn in and this fire within me ignited and burned so deeply within me, I was elated!!
He shared a story of this where he was working as a janitor through the night whilst attending school. One morning the buses were on strike and he couldn’t get from his job to school and so he decided to run, it was (don’t quote me on this” about 16 miles or something ridiculous and that began his journey of experiencing the power of incantations and transforming the mind.
His story was so powerful, that after the call ended I went across the road to the park and began to run. Whenever I ran the oval, I would stop and start, run then walk, run then walk. I realised this was my pattern playing out and so I began to repeat the same incantations as Tony as I ran and when my body began to slow down, I kept on running, I broke through that cycle with my physical body and propelled myself forward with my own will.
When I completed the oval, I fell to my knees and wept.
This was truly profound, on one level I felt stupid for crying, it wasn’t that big of an achievement I thought… But this went so much deeper, it wasn’t about the oval at all.
In March I began cold water immersions, starting every day with cold showers. This is completely out of my comfort zones, for those who know me, you know how much I don’t do cold haha, I really struggled when I initially moved to NZ, I wouldn’t even get in the ocean/river in summer!
I made the commitment to have a cold shower every morning, and for the first time I have stuck to something every single day since and have no even started getting into the ocean in WINTER!!!! Holy cow!
I have received so many incredible insights, wisdom, awareness, lessons and power from this practice, I could probably write a book just on this but I won’t do that here.
What I will share is how it ties into projection and the statement of “I can’t rely on you or trust you”
These experiences began to unravel the knots, pain, beliefs, cycles, habits of my life of not committing to myself or my dreams, any time I began something I would quit. I’d have a new idea and never followed through.
I couldn’t rely on myself, I couldn’t trust myself. I lied to myself again and again and again.
I abandoned myself time and time again.
I began to heal these wounds when I followed through on my dream for the first time in 2019 by first moving to the Gold Coast, by finding the courage within to jump into a relationship with Liam, by attending my breathwork practitioner training and by moving to NZ at the end of the year.
When I became pregnant, it was really the first time I fully gave myself permission to feel, to slow down, to heal and to reconnect to myself, to put myself first.
I stopped drinking alcohol and my life transformed.
My dream business came to fruition without the intention to do this, it just happened, I surrendered and allowed myself to be guided
I got out of my own way and life began to flow!
“I wasn’t resentful toward him… I was resentful toward myself.”
The pain I was projecting at Liam, the resentment toward him, was not toward him at all
I was resentful toward myself for not committing to myself, for abandoning myself and breaking my trust, for all the horrible things I said and did to myself from a place of I am not good enough, not worthy, not deserving, the belief that I will never succeed or amount to anything.
This released so much pressure off myself, liam, our relationship and our family.
I opened up to liam about this, I was so vulnerable and transparent that I was emotionally hungover the next day. I cried deep tears of sadness and relief and we connected on a level we have never been able to connect on before.
This was the first true glimmer of the untapped potential for us as a couple that I had experienced. How much deeper could we go… The curiosity and excitement was intense.
I released the pressure of who we needed to be, who I thought Liam needed to be and how I thought our relationship needed to be. I release a layer of needing to control as I came to realize my need to control came from feeling unsafe. I opened up to the unknown, the infinite possibilities and a new found curiosity of let’s explore this, let’s play, let’s see what’s here, what this could be, let’s create together.
I created space to let someone into my heart for the first time.
This someone was me.
I had to let myself back into my heart first before I could even think about letting someone else in.
And this was just the first half of the month!!
I want to leave you with this…
Where in your life have you been projecting unto others.. blaming, shaming, guilt, judging yourself and/or others?
Is it the absolute truth?
Could you take a moment here to slow down, breathe and enter into curiosity about your experience?
What else could be going on here, what is being revealed to you?
What is the hidden gift?
Want to hear more about my journey and the insights and wisdom I have received over the years???
Head over to my podcast, The Good Girl Unleashed
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