Time of ascension

Everyday more and more beings on earth are awakening to the truth. The truth that we are all energetic beings that have been conditioned to believe the matrix is all that is when there is so much more beyond belief. For myself, thinking we're born, we go through the schooling system, maybe university, get a job, get married, start a family, and after 50ish years of working our asses off we eventually retire and then die was all a little too boring... I always thought there's got to be more out there... Seriously that's it? I never really seemed to fit into that scheme, hated school, university wasn't for me, staying in the same job for 1-2 years max before I got bored or utterly depressed about life and needed a change, dating sucked, couldn't seem to make them stay and maybe I didn't really want them to. Nothing about this scheme aligned with me as much as I wanted it to so I could "fit in" so I could be accepted and deemed worthy.

There have been many ups and downs along the journey, times of light and dark, times of abundance and scarcity, when I felt absolute unconditional love and when I felt deep hatred and anger to the point I felt I would explode. Living in a binary universe isn't always easy, especially when you have no idea what's going on, why you're here, what you're meant to do... everyone seems to have an opinion or know what you're meant to do except for you. Everyone wants to tell you how to live, it can be really challenging having so many voices telling you to go a hundred different ways.

When I was 19 I decided to find the meaning of life for myself, the journey has been long and hard, I became so attached to becoming enlightened, I didn't even really know what that meant. The books I read spoke of it, and it sounded a lot better than the reality I was experiencing so off I went, embarking on a journey to enlightenment. I read book after book, I tried new practices like yoga, meditation, vision boards, affirmations, visualisation, seminars, retreats, I was working out regularly, I practiced manifestation techniques, I changed my diet, I began diving into my subconscious acknowledging limiting beliefs and began peeling the onion of my mind. I felt I was putting in so much effort and the puzzle pieces were falling into place, I began to experience an entirely different world, a world so magical, it was amazing, I felt natural highs, no alcohol, no drugs, just high on life itself. I would skip down the street for no reason, I would dance and laugh, and I was making friends so easily like never before, I was enjoying life which was a totally new experience for me, I experienced being present for the first time. It was f***ing incredible... until it wasn't.

It's kind of like when you take a party drug... eventually it wears off and you come crashing down and wonder what the f*** just happened. I made some decisions that weren't in alignment with this "new" me and those decisions led to more decisions taking me further from the path to enlightenment... or so I thought. I began partying too much, to begin with it was fun and then it dragged on and then these emotional outbursts began. Eventually I was kicked out of my friends apartment and it was a massive wake up call saying "Hey remember your mission? It's time to get back to it." So I picked myself up, I got my own place and I started again.

Back to the books, and the seminars, and the practices that worked for me the first time... although this time they didn't feel as powerful, I didn't feel that OMG feeling, the ecstasy just wasn't there. I tried to retrace my step, I tried new techniques and new books, and I had moments of peace and presence but it just wasn't as exhilarating which made life so much harder. I began to acknowledge the choices I was still making that weren't in alignment, and slowly I began to change those choices, I stopped doing things that were keeping me closed and I began doing things that allowed me to open and expand. This took time, I really needed to sit with myself, and the pain I was feeling and intuitively acknowledge how I was self-sabotaging and keeping myself small. Not everything can come from a book unfortunately. There were a lot of regrets I had from my time of "partying" there was a lot of painful experiences that I hadn't processed and expressed that were stored in my body, I let go of all my practices for sometime and it was just going to take time to get back up. Most things just aren't fixed overnight.

A year of being on my own I decided to move back home with my parents until I knew what my next step was... Turns out after attending a retreat in Hunter Valley that next step was moving to the Gold Coast to work with the team running these retreats. My year on the Gold Coast was yet another whirlwind of a year. I couldn't keep up, time moved so quickly and so much happened in so little time. I met my now fiance` the weekend I arrived, within a couple months we were living together, everything just went by so quickly, I found myself back in a life that I was trying to escape by leaving Perth, working a job I knew I didn't want to do as working with the retreat group didn't pan out. I was living in a busy area which after living in Perth CBD wasn't what I wanted either, I was drinking too much, partying too much. I was going through the motions and overtime I found I had stopped doing all my practices again... damn it!

My emotions began building up, expectations in my relationship weren't being met, I hated my job, I hated where we were living, I began to hate Gold Coast, and blamed the location for my problems, just like I did in Perth. But it wasn't the location, it was me. I wasn't dealing with my emotions, I wasn't expressing, I was burying and burying walking around just like the other robotic humans doing what I thought I had to to survive. Many of us are living in survival mode, in scarcity, and think that's just the way life is, we lack that knowing of the inner power that we all have, it's just temporarily deactivated, like a switch we forgot we have the option to turn on and off.

I came across another retreat that took my interest, very much different to the others I had participated in. A lot of the other personal work I had done was very much based in masculine energy, I'm quite the logical thinker, over analysing everything, trying to piece this invisible puzzle together. I hadn't spent much time tapping into my feminine energy, feeling my emotions, expressing my emotions, speaking my authentic truth, flowing with life, everything was always planned and when it didn't work out, which was most of the time, I would lose my shit. So here I was committing to this new type of work, known as Breathwork. I'd first come across breathwork at a workshop that I attended in my first month of being on the Gold Coast, which I thought was more of a meditation class where I could meet some new people. It was such an intense experience, it was painful, it forced the expression, the emotion that I had been burying, I could feel it in my entire being, and once I figured out how to let go in that moment it all just melted away and moved into this space of absolute bliss, it was transcendent, magical. The retreat couldn't have come at a better time, although petrified I knew it was exactly what I needed. I arrived in KinKin on a Thursday ready to dive deep, I had all these wants, hopes, expectations for the retreat, concerned that I was asking too much, would I be disappointed? Fear quickly crept in along with much doubt. I walked over the main room shaking in my boots, I was terrified, what the f*** did I sign up for... We sat in a large circle and went around the room introducing ourselves. I could go on about this but I think that might be for another post. The main point I want to make here is that breathwork shifted more than I could have ever imagined, I knew I had a lot of unresolved, unexpressed emotions inside of me, a lot of shame, guilt, fear, resentment, anger, but I didn't know just how much, and how much it was affecting my physical body, and how much I needed to cry, how much I needed to scream, punch, kick, I tremoured so much I swear it must have looked like an exorcism out of a horror movie. The difference being the room was always filled with so much love, understanding, acceptance, compassion, and support. I've never felt so much unconditional love, and from people I had never met, we were all there for one reason or another, we all came from different places with different backgrounds, and somehow there was absolutely no judgement whatsoever... it was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. I left that place on top of the world, I felt light, energised, happier than I've ever felt, I felt free, I felt like I finally belonged. Unfortunately the feeling was short lived...

A couple days after the retreat my parents were due to fly into the Gold Coast for a visit. I began to feel the pressure leading up to it, wondering how could I possibly hold this level of vibration and be with them at the same time. How was I going to have fun and show them a good time if I'm not on their level, if I'm not drinking alcohol, if I'm not the self I usually am with them... I just didn't think it was possible so I consciously made the decision to descend and meet them at their level and soon as I made that decision, I felt angry, I felt furious, I felt resentment, frustration, and I blamed them. I blamed them for not being that high vibrational being I felt I needed them to be in order for me to be that, in order for me to feel like it was okay to be me. I was angry they never showed me the way, but just because they didn't show me the way I wanted to be shown doesn't mean they didn't in fact show me and nudge me in the direction of that path... afterall I did eventually find this path, I am on this path learning new skills, practices, and figuring out how I would like to bring up my children... everything they did, whether percieved as bad or good was all perfect in it's own way, perfect in getting me to where I needed to be at every step of my journey, it's just something we all have to keep reminding ourselves, everything is happening for us, even the dreadfully painful experiences.

Once my parents left I didn't come back up like I thought I would be able to, I remained in this low vibrational state and returned to drinking, partying and roaming around like a robotic zombie, at least that's what it felt like. I became more and more destructive, like a bomb that just kept going off, I was exploding in my relationship, in my work, with friends, I was acting out and throwing tantrums and blaming the world, like an entitled, stubborn, teenager. It got to the point where I didn't know just how far I would go, how low I would go, I couldn't take the pressure, the intensity of the sensations, I couldn't bare the life I was living, I'd had enough so my partner and I packed our things and moved to New Zealand.

Maybe I was running away again, or maybe I just needed a break, fresh air, new scenery, somewhere I could collect my thoughts, process my emotions and understand what the f*** was going on, where do I want to go, what do I want, why am I repeating the same patterns over and over and over were just a few of the unanswered questions I had. My relationship with my partner had suffered some damage and we needed some space alone to rebuild. At first NZ was relaxing, I felt like I could catch my breath, time slowed down, and I was able to reflect. Moving didn't fix everything of course, I still had much buried emotions that were bubbling, and a lot of resentment towards my partner that wasn't serving anyone. The sabotaging behaviour didn't stop immediately, I still got angry and drank too much and threw tantrums, some bigger than ever before. I felt consumed by this dark energy and I felt lost, depressed, confused, unsure... I didn't know why I was here or what I was meant to be doing, after six years I felt I was still nowhere closer to answering these questions I had first set out to find. I felt like a failure and I was deeply disappointed in myself and at life.

After some time I began to calm and I processed more and more, I felt I started to gain some understanding on what had been happening... An idea came to me, I noticed that since meeting Liam I had dropped into this old version of myself before starting any of this personal growth, I became this stubborn, entitled teenager again. It was mind blowing to see that, it was as if I'd learned nothing in five years prior to meeting Liam. It's like I mentioned earlier, not everything can come from a book. I thought I could just read book after book, absorb and apply the knowledge but it doesn't quite work like that. I realised I hadn't been putting the concepts I was learning into practice, by being with Liam it was as if I was jolted back in time and fast tracked through everything I had read about in those 5 years, I had to re-learn it in a practical way. Although painful it was what I needed and the growth I have experienced in the past year has been incredible to see and experience. The way I communicate, the things that don't seem to bother me at all or as much as they used to, the way I don't need to plan every single little thing, I can flow with life more and I can feel in the moment rather than holding on to that emotion. For this and so much more I am so grateful.

The past few months have been especially interesting, with this whole covid stuff coming about, the riots, and protests, people speaking out, and whatever else is going on, I don't watch/read/listen to very much news, I hear from those talking about it or from my partner looking into the "behind the scenes" stuff which is actually more interesting then the news. My current affair knowledge is very much second hand, the news is just too depressing and manipulative to watch. But even without watching what's going on, I can feel it, I've always had this ability to feel so intensely which is one of the reasons I like to try an switch it off, to bury it, to stay in my head, sometimes what I feel is just too painful. The pain of the world is so intense, even tapping in for just a second can feel like a knife to the heart. It never made any sense to me why we all can't just get along, and help one another through the challenged of our lives. Why are we stuck in this judgemental space of bullying and tearing one another down? It's just mind boggling and heart breaking. But I also believe all the perceived "bad" and "evil" happening in the world, amongst the pain and sorrow, is the Good, the ascending beings, the people who are waking up and helping others to wake up, the people who are giving, and understanding, and helping, serving out of the goodness of their hearts. You can't have good without the bad, it's about bringing those opposites together, expanding your awareness, your consciousness and being able to make more conscious, enlightened decisions from that space. We're always going to experience challenges in life but that doesn't mean we have to get sucked into a deep depression and lash out at life or other beings who are going through their own challenges. We can acknowledge our challenges, our pain, our anger, our frustration and meet it with love and acceptance and find proactive approaches to deal with them. We can help others with their challenges which may very well lead us to our own solutions. We can learn from our hardship, and the hardship of others and as a collective grow and ascend to higher vibrations and consciousness.

I believe that all this chaos we are experiencing as a collective and individually is leading us into higher vibration, I choose to believe that we are in fact shifting from 3D consciousness to 5D consciousness. Over the past few months I have been tuning into Elizabeth April on Youtube, her insight and wisdom has given me hope and reinstated my faith in the Universe that all that is happening right now is happening For Us. At times it can be difficult to hold that faith and belief but I know in my heart that there's is a deeper meaning, a deeper purpose for all that happens in our lives. It's all leading somewhere. I feel the shift, I feel it in my being, I feel the changes in my mind, body, soul, energy field. Do you...? Have you stopped long enough to notice? To ask the question? We have been given the gift of time, time to slow down, to reflect, to take time for ourselves and go within, to deal with all we have been avoiding in order to let go, and ascend together. Life is a mystery, maybe it always will be but it's an adventure, an adventure we all chose to embark on. I can't believe that we chose to be here just so we could work ourselves to exhaustion, coming to the end where we are on our deathbed full of regrets that we never got to live the life we really wanted to. Why are we waiting for retirement or for a couple weeks off a year to live our life? Why aren't we living to the fullest every single day? Why are we so afraid so be the person we came here to be?

And so I say to you... Hey Earth, It's time to wake up :)