Leaning into the unknown…
We have now entered the final month of the year 2022!!!!
How has this year been for you???
Be sure to leave a comment at the end of this post or reach out via email
2022 for me was.. well.. HUGE! I don't even have words to summarise or try and describe this year for me.
I was taken for a ride that's for sure.
The last 6 weeks especially have been wild, and also really painful as I navigated deep grief I have been carrying with me for years
It was so deep, it took me by surprise and I didn't understand what I was experiencing, feeling or what was going on
This made it even harder, not knowing
But with all that I know and teach I knew I had to lean in and be with what I was experiencing in order to move through it
It didn't make logical sense to me, I just felt so low, drained, exhausted, numb, disconnected, and in deep pain, like I don't know if I wanna continue on, I want to hide and escape
This has been my way of dealing (or not dealing) with emotions in the past
But it's different for me now...
I know when I'm feeling this way I've gotta let myself feel it and I know it will pass, I know I will move through it
I just don't know how long it's gonna take
Which can be so tough for so many of us and the not knowing can send us into detrimental coping mechanisms and self-sabotaging behaviours
The more compassion we can have for ourselves the easier it is to move through times of turmoil and challenge
I didn't try to force myself through this experience, I just allowed myself to ride the waves
The other night I was sharing with Liam about how I just don't know what's going on with me, I don't understand what triggered this or what the message is, what's beneath this?
As I was speaking aloud all the messages came flooding through, ah-ha after ah-ha, insights, healing, release, emotion and expansion
It was frickin' magical
It was also hard, it was deep, it was emotional, it was a hard realisation,
there were childhood wounds and emotions around not feeling like I was loved in the way I wanted to be loved,
Seen in the way I wanted to be seen, heard in the way I wanted to be heard
Even though my parents were there for me in so many ways, there was one particular way that was coming up for me where I felt they didn't or weren't able to show up for me and it was incredibly painful to be with
The grief went beyond this as well,
I felt the loss of identity that happened for me when becoming a mother that I never let myself feel
I felt the loss of the old self as I have been birthed into the version of myself that I am now
These past couple of years I have felt so empowered, so confident, doing what I love, making things happen for myself, so proud
But through this process I could feel the old version of me that felt she could never achieve or receive any of this, I could feel her loneliness as I move on into this new chapter
The grief was deep and I don't even think I've acknowledged all of it at this stage but I can feel it and as soon as I acknowledged what I was feeling was grief, this ease came over me
Like I could relax because I was like ohhhh I get it now
I thought what I was experiencing was about anger, resentment, feeling like a failure (especially as a mama)
But there was something so much deeper that I was actually avoiding by focusing on the anger and feeling of failure
Something much deeper
And when I allowed myself to go there, I was liberated.
Soo... Not what I was expecting to share today haha,
Just sitting here allowing my heart to flow to yours and share what feels most called to be shared with the intention that this will in some way support you on your journey and remind you that you're not alone
We all have times of challenge, hardship, pain, feeling like a failure, feeling overwhelmed by all the feels and just wanna shut down and hideaway
This is part of the growth, healing and transformation process.
Just remember love, you are never alone, you got this!
🤍
"When the feels are overwhelming you... know that I'm with you, hear me whisper lean in, lean in, lean in, you got this"
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With love,
Mon xx