Affects Of Trauma On Your Relationship
PLUS 3 POWERFUL PRACTICES THAT CAN DEEPEN CONNECTION & INTIMACY WITH YOUR PARTNER!!!
For years I struggled to maintain relationships, I was “stuck” in the dating game, attracting emotionally unavailable partners and people who went from 100 to 0 pretty quickly, meaning they seemed to be all in and then it would crash and burn pretty quickly.
My heart continued to be squeezed, bruised, scarred and fragmented.
It felt so unsafe to open my heart and let anyone in.. I had many unconscious coping mechanisms that kept anyone from getting too close to me but even though these were designed to protect me and keep me safe, I felt more and more alone, isolated and heart broken, wondering if anyone would ever love me, would anyone ever stay???
This went on for about 5 years until I had a series of heartbreaking events that led me to say enough is enough.
I decided to begin 2019 with a fresh start, I got clear about what I wanted and I set on my way.
I ended up relocating to the Gold Coast unexpectedly and that’s where I met my now partner, Liam.
I resisted it at first and wondered if he was the one, could I really let him in, would he leave like the rest of them, so much fear, uncertainty and confusion… Overthinking, over-analysing but I decided to give it a go…
It was one of the hardest years of my life and as I reflect back.. One of the most exciting!
Forced to look at all of the stuff buried beneath the surface, it also happened to be the year I discovered breathwork.. It was truly a mind blowing year, I began to embody the teachings that I had been learning for years prior to this.
It was like a gateway opened up and all the darkness from pandora’s box was flying through those gates, I could barely keep up and it almost broke my relationship… multiple times.
Luckily I had met someone who was able to hold space for me and it gave me the space to learn how to hold space for myself.. I realised I had a lot of trauma, beliefs and conditioning that had been preventing me from meeting the man of my dreams and building the relationship I so deeply desired.
It was through working with mentors and doing the somatic work that allowed me to heal and integrate the trauma, transform my belief systems and take RADICAL responsibility for my life and my choices that transformed my ability to communicate, connect and build a deeply connected, intimate and strong relationship with myself and then my partner.
It’s an ongoing process and I continue to learn and grow for myself and within our relationship and now I support others to do the inner work that will transform their relationships to.
By getting to the root cause of what’s creating obstacles and conflict in your relationship, you have the opportunity to make new decisions and navigate the situation in a way that will allow you to become closer than ever before!!!
Many of us have experienced the honeymoon phase, the beginning of a new relationship where everything is exciting, passionate and you can’t stop the googley eyes and touching each other… the sex is pretty epic to 😍
You think about them as soon as you wake up and instantly want to message them.
Well you may have noticed that eventually it comes to a stage when that all fades away and we crave going back to the good times, the passion, the connection, the fire, and maybe you find yourself day dreaming about those times, wondering if you’ll ever get it back or if this is just what life is from now on…
Maybe your wondering if they’re really the one or if it’s time to move on…
What I have come to realise is there is no going back BUT that doesn’t mean you have to stay where you are either…
There’s another phase that awaits you and your lover if you should choose to take those next steps.
My partner and I have been through so much in our time together, it may have only been 4 years but wow has it felt like 10!!! With the amount we have been through together, the layers we have navigated together, it has been one incredible adventure, that was definitely NOT easy!
But we have now embraced a new chapter.. One that is SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE HONEYMOON PHASE we all long to get back to… We have actually discovered a whole new phase of the relationship cycle.
One where we have even deeper connection, intimacy and passion than ever before. One where we can be real, communicate, honour one another and consciously CREATE the life we both want, the relationship we both want.
My intention here is to support you in building the tools and doing the inner work so that you can have all of this and more as well!!!
So let’s dive into today’s topic… Symptoms of suppressed trauma and how it affects your relatIonship PLUS what you can do to take the next steps toward creating the relationship you desire and stepping into this new phase.
Whether you’re currently in a relationship or not, whether you decide to leave your current relationship or take the next steps together.. You will learn powerful insights, skills and practices that will support you as you continue your journey toward having more fulfilling realtionships.
It all starts with you!
Symptoms of suppressed trauma and how it can impact your relationships…
Trust and Intimacy Issues: Trauma can deeply affect a person's ability to trust others, especially in cases of big "T" trauma involving betrayal or violation of personal boundaries. You may struggle to open up emotionally, fearing vulnerability and potential re-traumatisation. This can lead to difficulties in forming and maintaining intimate relationships, as trust and genuine connection become challenging.
Communication Challenges: Traumatic experiences can disrupt healthy communication patterns within relationships. You may find it challenging to express your feelings or needs, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. In some cases, trauma can result in emotional numbness or dissociation, making it difficult for you to effectively convey your thoughts and emotions to your partner.
Emotional Regulation: Trauma can affect your ability to regulate emotions, leading to heightened emotional reactivity or emotional detachment. This can create a volatile or distant dynamic within relationships, making it challenging for both partners to navigate emotional situations or conflicts effectively.
Attachment Issues: Trauma can impact one’s attachment style, influencing their approach to relationships. Some may develop an anxious attachment style, constantly seeking reassurance and fearing abandonment. Others may develop an avoidant attachment style, avoiding emotional closeness and intimacy. These attachment patterns can create difficulties in forming secure and healthy connections with others.
Co-Dependency or Avoidance: In the aftermath of trauma, one may exhibit co-dependent tendencies, seeking excessive validation, support, or control from their partners. This can strain the relationship and create an unhealthy dynamic. On the other hand, trauma can also lead to a withdrawal from relationships and social isolation as a means of self-protection.
Triggers and Flashbacks: Trauma survivors may experience triggers and flashbacks, which can disrupt the stability of their relationships. Certain situations, words, or actions might unintentionally remind them of the traumatic event, resulting in heightened anxiety, irritability, or withdrawal. Partners may need to learn about these triggers and develop strategies to support their loved ones during these challenging moments.
Caregiver Fatigue and Secondary Trauma: If one partner has experienced trauma, their partner may take on a caregiver role, offering support and understanding. However, this can lead to caregiver fatigue, where the supporting partner may experience emotional exhaustion, stress, and compassion fatigue. They might also be exposed to secondary trauma, absorbing the emotional impact of their loved one's experiences.
3 Powerful Practices to Deepen Connection & Intimacy With Your Partner…
Breathwork to heal and integrate suppressed trauma
Breathwork and somatic experiencing or body based therapies that support the integration of past trauma and conditioning that will allow you to expand self awareness, create inner safety and build resiliency. They support you in learning how to support yourself in challenging times and also hold space for others which is incredibly important in relationships.
By integrating past trauma, it will reduce the negative impacts on your relationship. We all have “stuff” beneath the surface and so it’s incredibly powerful for both partners to do this internal work.
It is highly recommended to work with a trained, trauma-informed facilitator that you feel comfortable and safe with. Deep trauma work is not something to do alone.
Recommendation: Check out my RAW Embodiment App to get started with a daily breathwork practice and other supportive tools to create inner safety and integrate past trauma.
Conscious communication and holding space
Working on your communication skills is highly important for relationships to reduce conflict and ensure you’re communicating clearly, effectively and from a place of calm, openness and heart centred-ness rather than blaming, projecting and manipulating which often shows up in relationships, especially when holding onto a lot of past trauma.
Holding space is a practice of conscious listening and allowing the other person to be seen, heard and acknowledged, it involves being present and non-judgemental, creating a safe space for each of you to share and express.
Recommendation: Working with a mentor/coach to increase communication and space holding skills. This will start with working on your ability to hold space for yourself, looking at your internal dialogue, practicing expressing your own needs, desires and boundaries and then moving into how you can bring those skills into your relationship.
It all starts with you.
Recommendation: Journal what you’re currently saying to yourself, take notes on your internal dialogue, how do you speak to yourself, do you notice any judgement of others, what do you say internally about your partner, how do you speak to your partner, what do you say to others about your partner.
Get curious about what is arising for you, not from a place of judgement but instead Compassionate Curiosity
Eye-gazing and conscious breathing couples practice
A beautiful practice to do with your partner to deepen connection and intimacy is eye-gazing and breathing together.
Being present together and feel the sensations that arise as you practice holding space and being in this present moment, looking into each others eyes and breathing.
If you’ve never done this before it’s likely going to be uncomfortable to begin with. It can bring some “stuff” up for you.. Be present with that and allow yourself to feel whatever is arising. You may even find yourself laughing or feeling a little anxious or fidgety, looking away… That’s okay, come back to your breath and reconnect your gaze.
Take turns sharing what’s arising, what you’re feeling in your body, thoughts that may be present. Speak from your heart.
Thank you for being here, I hope this blog post was helpful for you. I’d love to hear your feedback, comment below or email me at info@moniquecarmela.com
For further support reach out!
I currently work with clients 1:1 as well as periodically offer programs and small group coaching.
I’d love to dive deeper into this with you so you can take the next steps on your journey to getting the relationship you desire!!!
Join me for my upcoming webinar: How To Overcome Emotional Triggers & Reduce Conflict In Your Relationship So That You Can Re-Ignite The Love, Passion & Intimacy - Register here
