How to get what you want in your relationship in 7 simple steps..
Do you ever feel like relationships are A LOT of work?
Wondering if it’s really worth all the trouble? The stress.. the frustration.. the hurt..
Do you ever think that if it’s this hard, maybe they’re just not the one? Wondering if you should just move on but terrified to leave, terrified to be alone, what if no one else wants me, loves me, what if I’m alone forever…
So maybe you stay, continue to complain, become resentful and increasingly frustrated, self sabotaging, blaming, pointing the finger at all their faults and how they could do better…
I totally get it, I’ve been here time and time again, trying to figure out this relationship thing, trying to analyse all the pieces, thinking if I could just understand I could fix it.
Over the years I have learned A LOT!!!
About myself, others, relationships, sexuality, communication, projection, radical self responsibility and a bunch of other stuff.. And the thing that has helped me the most when it comes to being in relationship is compassionate curiosity and radical self responsibility.
A friend said to me once…. “Everyday you are choosing to be in this relationship”, this was such a light bulb moment to me, from feeling like a victim, powerless to my circumstances, with this short sentence I felt the reclamation of my power and my ability to choose.
I realised I am choosing to be in my relationship and I took radical responsibility for the choices I am making every moment of everyday and in this you realise you can always make a different choice.
But if I’m going to be in this relationship I have to choose to be fully here.
Many of us have one foot in the door and one foot out, struggling to make a decision, should I stay or should I go, and then wondering why our partner isn’t showing up for us, being the partner we desire them to be, why we’re not having the relationship we desire to have.
Whether they’re aware of it consciously, they can feel the energy of you not being fully in the relationship… and that hurts.
This is what was happening in my relationship for a long time, wondering if he’s the one, should I stay or should I go until I had this moment where I decided to be here now.
This doesn’t mean you can never change your mind BUT if you are choosing to be here now, then do that.
Complaining and blaming will NOT get you the relationship you want.
So how can you get the relationship you want?
Well let’s first start with a question…
If you’re currently in a relationship, do you want to be in this relationship? Do you want to be with this person?
Regardless if things aren’t “perfect”, trust me they never will be!
But maybe there’s some needs or desires not being met at this point but if you could have the things in this relationship, if you could re-ignite the flame, the passion, the love
Would you want to stay?
Listen to the answer that comes from within you, within your heart NOT your head…
Would you want to stay?
If you said no… It’s time to take the next step and respect the both of you by moving on and there is a heart-centred way to do this which we can dive into in another post.. For now let’s dive into the kind of relationship you want..
If you said yes… I invite you to get crystal clear on what it is you want in your relationship
If you’re NOT currently in a relationship but you want to attract someone into your life you can also use these invitations.
In order to get what you want you MUST know what you want…
Use the prompts below to get crystal clear on your desires for your intimate relationship
What do you want in a relationship?
How do you want to feel when you’re with your intimate partner?
What kinds of things do you want to do together? What does quality time look like?
What qualities do you admire most about your partner?
What qualities do you admire most about your self?
What do you bring to the table? What’s your contribution in the relationship?
How do you feel when your partner touches you, reaches for your hand, holds you?
What kind of lifestyle do you have? Where are you living, what are you doing for work, do you have pets, how do you spend your free time, how much time do you spend together, social life, outings… Let yourself DREAM and visualise the life you are living with your partner.. What do you see, feel, taste, touch, smell…
The more specific detail you can go into about the relationship you desire the more you will be able to actually create that for the both of you.
Remembering that this is for the BOTH of you not just for you.. Relationships are a partnership, a connection where you both get to experience fulfilment and having your needs and desires met.
The next step is to ask yourself what are you willing to do to get this???
Getting the relationship you want comes with stretching yourself out of your comfort zone, are you willing to do whatever it takes???
Or are you looking for the quick and easy fix?
Relationships take work and working together… You won’t meet someone who will meet all your needs, desires, always say yes and give you everything you want 100% of the time, never argue, and just be “perfect”
Perfect = boring
There’s no room for growth, mistakes, learning and trying new things
Getting what you want 100% of the time is actually boring because it stops you from growing and getting outside of the box..
Have you ever had an experience where you didn’t really want to do something, or you weren’t sure about something, you have it a try and you were actually surprised how much fun you had, how much you got out of the experience, how much you learned…
Relationships require both of you to show up fully, to listen to each other, to communicate, to take radical self responsibility
They offer an incredibly opportunity to heal past wounds, to be supported and held and to access new levels of LOVE, passion, intimacy, connection that you never thought possible.
But if you have someone that just goes along with what you want all the time, you’ll find the relationship gets stagnant.
I share this with you to open your mind up to what is possible when you let the walls down, let love in and allow yourself to explore, experiment and flow with the waves that come with being in a relationship.
Because trust me there will be waves.
Through conscious communication, radical self responsibility, compassion and curiosity you can have a truly INCREDIBLE relationship
Where you both can learn from one another, heal the wounds of the past, grow together and fall in love again and again and again
For a while now I have used the analogy of a tree to describe the relationship with my partner.. Over our time together it has felt like we have been growing together and working on building strong foundations (roots), we have times when we are so connected like the branches of the tree are weaving together, intertwining…
And other time when it feel like the branches are spreading out and we are becoming distant.
I have learned to trust the process and know that sometimes we actually both really need that space and other times it’s me that’s pushing him away and in that knowing I can also be the one to reconnect and bridge that gap.
I would often project my feelings and experiences onto him… It’s his fault I am feeling this way because he did XYZ
I often believed that I was doing EVERYTHING and he was not showing up at all… distortion from buried pain.
Because of all the personal development, inner work that I do, I have been able to get to a place of taking radical self responsibility and I came to know that when I am triggered, it is MY trigger and no one else’s and therefore no one else’s responsibility that I am feeling what I am feeling.
It’s mine and mine alone.
It’s not to say certain actions or words from others don’t hurt, boundaries aren’t being crossed, needs aren’t being met… But have we communicated those and if so how did we communicate them, when did we communicate them, where are we coming from when we communicate…
Communication is everything.
I noticed when I was triggered I wasn’t a very good communicator and things would escalate, the conversation would get heated, I would become more triggered and we would never get to the end result we wanted.
But the thing is I didn’t even know what end result I did want.
Do you ever ask yourself before having the conversation..
What do I want to get out of this conversation?
What is my ideal end result or solution, how do I want to feel whilst having this conversation, how do I want to feel at the end of it?
What does a win/win solution look like?
What is my intention for having this conversation?
Are we both in the right state of mind and being to have this conversation?
I never did and so I never knew where I was going, like walking through a dark cave with no lighting, no flashlight, no nothing…
Often we’re just hurting so deeply and we want to be heard, held and validated.
But if the other person is hurting and also feeling unheard, chances are they won’t be able to hold space for you and support you, especially if you’re attacking and blaming them.
This has been a long journey for me, figuring out how to navigate my relationship, how to communicate and how to get what I want in the relationship, not from a place of manipulation but authenticity, where we are both getting what we want, where we both feel heard, valued, loved.
And that’s where deep intimacy lies.. This is not a journey of going back to honeymoon phase but moving forwards into something even BETTER!!! If there was even such a thing 😉
Here’s 7 simple steps you can take now to get the relationship you want!!!
P.S. Simple doesn’t mean easy…
Get crystal clear on what it is you ACTUALLY want!!!
Use the prompts above.Ask yourself what am I willing to do to get it?
Are you willing to stretch yourself, get out of your comfort zone, out of your own way, meet their needs, listen, take radical self responsibility… ARE YOU WILLING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES???Practice present moment listening
Become the observer of your own thoughts, words and actions.. Listen to what your partner has to say, how do they feel, what are there wants/desires/boundaries.. Rather than focusing on what you want to say can you listen with presence to what others are saying.Get clear on what your needs, desires and boundaries are and practice sharing these with your partner from you heart, not from a place of demanding and getting angry that they’re not already meeting these. Can you create space to connect and share what both of you desire.
Take a pause: When you’re feeling triggered, reactive, overwhelmed, emotional - take some time for you, this is not the time to hash it out, it will often lead to more harm than good and things are said that can not be taken back. Be with what is arising and when you’re both feeling more centred and clear headed you can have the conversation.
Talk to a friend or coach: Rather than unloading everything on your partner, overwhelming them with what’s going on for you… Reach out to a friend or coach that is able to hold space, not someone who will take your side and jump on the bandwagon of criticising and blaming your partner but someone who can just listen and be present with you while you process what you’re thinking and feeling. This will help diffuse the wild fire so it’s not used against your partner.
Join me for my upcoming webinar: How To Overcome Emotional Triggers & Reduce Conflict In Your Relationship So That You Can Re-Ignite The Love, Passion & Intimacy - Register here
There is a lot you can do to get the relationship you want but this offers you a place to start.
Doing my own inner work has been the most transformational piece, by healing the trauma and wounds of the past it has allowed me to overcome emotional triggers that I thought were at the fault of my partners action or inaction
As well as release limiting beliefs that led to self sabotage and pushing my partner away
And actually expanded my capacity to receive the love I desired
For the longest time I didn’t have the capacity within my nervous system to be with the intensity of joy, pleasure, love, connection, passion and sexual aliveness
I had to expand my window of tolerance for pleasure which was so enlightening to me. As I did this, overtime it became much easier to lean into the goodness and receive my partner.
I realised I was at the cause of a lot of unnecessary conflict because I didn’t know how to receive all the goodness we had, the deep love he has always had for me, I didn’t know how to receive that.
This was even more apparent to me when my baby boy came into the world and his unconditional love was so big, so deep and it was incredibly overwhelming, I didn’t know how to receive that kind of love, it made no sense to me.
But by having the awareness, practices and mentors I have been so blessed to receive has helped me to expand my capacity to receive this kind of love and now I get to experience a depth of love and connection I truly never even knew was possible.
I’d love to dive deeper into this with you so you can take the next steps on your journey to getting the relationship you desire!!!
Join me for my upcoming webinar: How To Overcome Emotional Triggers & Reduce Conflict In Your Relationship So That You Can Re-Ignite The Love, Passion & Intimacy - Register here
