Biodynamic Breathwork: My experience
BBTRS stands for Bio-dynamic Breathwork Trauma Release System, it's a group that offers retreats around the world that teaches you how to use your breath, as well as movement and sound, in a way that release trauma that has been stored in the body. When you experience trauma in your life, small or big, it can be stored in the tissues of the body if not properly released. Many if not all of us will have experienced some sort of trauma in our life, this can even be something like constant stress or feelings of anxiety. When this stress and trauma lingers in our body it can create emotional challenges, pain in our body, increased feelings of stress and anxiety, depression, disease, chronic pain, it can even lead to things like heart attacks, stroke, cancer, and more. We are not built to hold onto all of this pain, physical, mental, and emotional, it builds and builds and builds and without us even knowing manifests more pain into our life. Afterall we are the creators of our reality, but it is our subconscious that sometimes holds the power. When we experience trauma it can be stored in our subconscious mind where it can be more easily ignored but by doing this we are giving it power to bring similar events and experiences into our life. This may be why we ask ourselves why we keep making the same mistakes, attracting the same kind of partner or friends, why we feel we're in this kind of time loop repeating ourselves over and over, maybe why when one bad thing happens, another soon follows, maybe you're feeling cursed... Fortunately, you're not cursed, and there is a solution. I thought I was quite aware of what I was dealing with, what was stored in my body, I just lacked the tools to release when actually I only knew a smidge. There was so much pain, emotional and physical, that I was holding onto, it was so intense it made sense why I continued to ignore it for so long. But by facing my fears and attending this retreat I was able to release so much trauma and tension from my body, for the first time I felt free, light, happy, I felt like I found myself, I felt accepted and unconditionally loved, it was magical and so worth it.
I'm going to take you through my experience of the BBTRS retreat that was held in Kin Kin, Queensland, late last year. It was a 7 day retreat, each day we were taken through a meditative activity in the morning, followed by an explanation and demonstration of the session ahead, then we partnered up and took turns being the support person and the breather. Everyone's experience was completely different, your experience will be different to mine, but I can tell you that the change in everyone from day 1 to day 7 was absolutely remarkable, you could see it in their body, their face, how they moved and spoke, how they lit up. It's something to be experienced.
Day 1
Arriving at Kin Kin, I was petrified, so uncomfortable. As we made our way to the main hall I felt myself sweating, shaking, resisting, fidgeting, the anxiety was overwhelming. We sat in a circle and went around one by one introducing ourselves and expressing why we were here. As they started I began rehearsing my answer over and over so incredibly freaked, once it was my turn to speak I spat out what I had to say as quickly as possible and returned to silence, my heart beating so fast. We then split up into groups of 4, this was our family for the week. I found myself in a group of 2 guys and a girl who also happened to be sleeping in the same dorm as me. I felt the need to run from the guys and find a group of al girls but frozen in space I accepted the first invitation I got. Again we went around the group sharing a bit about ourselves and why we're here. Reluctant to share I went last, and as soon as it got to me I broke, it was all just too much and I began to cry, I couldn't hold eye contact with anyone, I shared a bit about my past involving traumatic sexual experiences. These experiences involved being taken advantage of, I've always struggled with my voice, speaking up and saying "No", my first severely traumatic experience I did say no but I was in such a vulnerable position that I was unable to move and my no was not respected, from there it got even harder to use my voice. I expressed my desire with my group to release fear around sex and to find my voice so I can be fully present with my partner and open my heart. I also didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be, so I also had a desire to discover the real me.
At dinner I sat with Matthew and we had a really good discussion, I definitely felt after having a bit of a cry and a share I was able to share a little more freely, Matthew was easy to talk to. We spoke about changing the thoughts you have about things you're not happy with, for example I was holding quite negative thoughts and emotions about my current work place in a day spa, by changing those thoughts into something more positive you can lift your space from a place of suffering into a more positive space. So from thinking about everything I hate about my work I could think about what I'm learning from this situation, I can think about how this work is getting me from A to B, paying my bills while I figure out what it is that I can do that will make me happy. Changing your thoughts can be the first step to changing your reality, afterall there's always a reason for everything, and there was a reason I find myself back in a job I knew I didn't want to be in, there's a lot to learn from that in order to move forward and to start creating new situations. We also spoke about the energy I was absorbing from massaging clients, I wasn't doing practices to protect myself from these energies or to release them. We are all at risk of absorbing energies from others whether we are doing hands on work or not, so start noticing the people you're spending time with, at work and in your personal time and notice how you feel before, during, and after seeing them. We spoke about the external world being a messenger of what's going on inside, so by finding myself in this work that I hated yet again, I had to ask why, why was I here, why was I putting myself through this pain and suffering... Many of us self-sabotage ourselves because we don't feel worthy of happiness, we don't feel worthy of the abundant life we seek, feelings of shame and guilt, regrets we hold on to, make us feel like we don't deserve the life of our dreams so we create realities that show our lack of self worth. And this is what I was doing to myself.
Day 2
Through the night I experience such vivid dreams, dreams that were uncomfortable, I felt as though I wasn't fully asleep I was in some sort of astral dream plane. I awoke to the sun rising and birds chirping, ready to get the day started. So peaceful I practiced some yoga, soaked in the warmth of the sun and the stunning views, did some light reading and then headed to the main hall for meditation. I felt so alive, more open and light. I was surprised how much emotion came up for me the previous night, I thought I had released those traumas, I'd also never felt so much relief from expression, I believe this was my first authentic expression, where I really just let it all out without the feeling of embarrassment, I've always been so embarrassed to express I would express alone or not at all. Being in a safe, loving space with people who were fully present was just so surreal and beautiful.
The morning meditation focused on opening the chakras with gentle connected breathing in a standing position, bringing attention to each chakra, one at a time. At first I hated it, it was painful and uncomfortable. Others were making sounds and it just made me more uncomfortable. I was struggling to breathe, my breath was very shallow. In the third round I saw a bright light, I felt a little light headed and asked myself "where am I?" as if I had literally moved somewhere else. It was quite an interesting experience.
Next was the demonstration followed by pairing up and breathing. I paired up with Matthew for this session and I decided to go first as the breather. Thinking that this session would magically clear all the crap and allow me to flow with ease through the rest of the week, unfortunately this was not the case. The experience was so much different to the other 2 session I had experienced before this retreat. I was full of fear from watching the demonstration, I was scared and reluctant to express myself fully. I was fearful of getting it wrong (not that you can get it wrong) and just really struggled the whole way through. Partnering with a male was really confronting for myself, having past trauma with men and fear of speaking up and expressing myself to the opposite sex my entire life. As soon as the breathing began I burst into tears and lost the rhythm, Chetana (facilitator) and Kellie (support person) came over to help and support. Chetana stayed for most of my session encouraging and assisting me in moving my body. I felt an overwhelming sense to shut down and stop moving but something deep inside me really wanted to keep pushing forwards. The internal battle was so intense. I felt my jaw clenching and my hands tightening into fists, Chetana helped me into fetal position and my body began to tremor and I continued to weap. She asked me if she needed to know anything and I told her about my first traumatic sexual experience. She asked me to say aloud what I would say to that person and I just couldn't find my voice, she then asked me to look into Matthew's eyes and visualise that person, I could barely hold eye contact for more than a few seconds, I still couldn't find my voice, I just wanted it all to be over. I then came into a lying position and Chetana asked me what I needed in that moment, I still had no words, I realised just how much I had lost my voice. I had lost my voice long before the incident, I've noticed more and more situations arising giving me the opportunity to find my voice, some of these situations with unfortunate outcomes, to this day I'm still learning, still practicing, and still on the journey to finding that strength and that voice that I know is inside of me.
During the break I spoke to one of the girls in my dorm about my relationship, my past, and my breathing session. I discovered my true desire for the week was to find my voice, to finally be able to express myself. Secondly, to remove the mask I had been wearing for so long, to discover my true essence. I wanted to be more present and patient in my life and in my relationship.
Hearing and seeing others express themselves in their sessions was so uncomfortable for me. It looked and sounded at times quite sexual, it all seemed really weird and out of the ordinary, expressing has always been uncomfortable for me, being in this space was very confronting. I hoped by the end of the week I would see the beauty in everyone's unique expression, that I would be more accepting of others and myself, I hoped that I would be able to open up and express more like others were.
Day 3
I woke up with a tension headache across my eyes and third eye on this morning. My body felt so tight during my morning yoga practice on this day.
Meditation was amazing, I think it was called Osho Mandala Meditation, starting standing my body moved more freely, feeling my body unwind. Coming into a seated position, my back pain and headache was gone, although my hips felt extremely tight. Laying down, drawing circles with my eyes was difficult but soon became automatic, and then started to make me feel sleepy. My spine felt so free and I was able to move without embarrassment which was a huge shift from the day before.
In the breathing session I paired with Kaity, feeling a little anxious, I struggled to find my rhythm. My hands were in intense pain and tingling like pins and needles moving up my arms into my elbows. My shoulders caved in, closing off my heart. My jaw wanting to remain clenched, my head was aching, my arms moved overhead and felt stuck, Kellie and Kaity assisted me in moving my hands, arms, and shoulders. Struggling to express sound, my throat was so closed off and began to ache as if I were choking on tears. I began experiencing pain in my knees and so I was assisted in elevating my knees, placing my feet flat on the ground. My body began to move on it's own, and the tremors began. Kellie asked me what needed to be said, eventually I was able to release some sound and the word "no" before falling back to silence, allowing the breath and movement. Towards the end of my session I was able to release gentle sounds which was huge for me. After my session I went to my room and looked in the mirror and for the first time I felt like I saw the real me.
Coming back to the room, music was played for us to express through dance. I was quite uncomfortable so I closed my eyes and tuned into my body, allowing movement without judgement. I felt spacious, fluid, and flowy, it was really great. I felt free and smiled the entire time.
Facilitating Kaity's session, I felt grounded, ready, open, and completely present. I was completely selfless, no mind wandering, just absolute presence, it was incredible. It was actually beautiful and magical watching Kaity express herself as well as the support team and how they knew how to support Kaity to open and release. It was pure magic. Watching how after some palpation, the body would release and this immense joy spreading through her being. After her session she expressed her gratitude for my support and presence, saying my energy was so powerful and how without even touching I was able to support her release. Feeling someone truly appreciate me was amazing as well as the amount of gratitude I had for her was just something else.
To finish the day we sat together as a group and had the option of sharing, I shared aloud in the group openly for the first time without shame or embarrassment, I really surprised myself and felt so proud, may not seem like a big thing but for me it really was.
Day 4
We started the day with a jibberish meditation, where we walked around the room stretching our jaws and neck, unwinding the body, and literally speaking jibberish to ourselves. I found this meditation very difficult, I felt stupid, even though everyone was doing it I felt like I would like stupid if I were participating, so judgemental of myself. I found my own space at the back of the room, facing towards the back wall, I closed my eyes and very quietly spoke aloud in jibberish form, breathing through the judgement and fear. Finishing off with seated and lying down meditation I really struggled to stay present. I believe I woke up knowing that this particular day, working on the throat, was going to be one of, if not the most challenging of all.
On this day I partnered with Natasha, I have a tendency to want to practice first so I set the intention to allow my partner to choose what she wanted to do first as a way of releasing control and practicing surrender. Natasha wanted to breathe first, this made me uncomfortable but I felt it was for good reason and I fully accepted this and set my intention to fully present for her. I found remaining completely present a challenge as well as trusting my instincts, my body ached from remaining seated for such a long time. It was quite confronting watching this session as people expressed themselves and opened their throat chakras, releasing so much that had been kept inside. I felt quite low after facilitating and so I spent the lunch break alone in silence, trying to prepare myself for what was to come. I was sunbathing by the pool and fell into a deep dream state, when I awoke I felt like the time I'd spent at the retreat so far had all been a dream, I was confused and fearful, I felt myself shut down with no desire to open up. We went back inside and started off by dancing and I just didn't have it in me to participate so I swayed on my own ever so slightly.
It was now my turn to breathe, I was very reluctant and resistant, I really did not want to breathe. Starting off with jaw stretching, and I was really only half present, barely making an effort. I struggled to connect to my breath. Chetana came over and asked me what's going on, I told her how I felt closed and didn't know how to open up. She asked me to look into her eyes while I began breathing and she did some movements with my chest. She asked me to try eye contact with Natasha while she went to put music on. I managed for the most part, something about looking into someone's eyes when you're that vulnerable is just so confronting, so scary, like they're really seeing you, all of you. My knees were in incredible pain so I moved to all fours and moved into the next phase of the session. Chetana worked on my spine, lower back, glutes, and coccyx, helping me to open up, she encouraged me to make sound but all I could do was cry. She got me to reposition to standing on my knees, looking into her eyes and asked me to push against her hands with mine, finding my inner power and strength. I felt so weak like I was going to fall over backwards. I began moving my hands and arms in circular motions, feeling the energy build, Chetana counted to 3 and this incredible power shot through my hands as I found the strength to push away and yell"No" for the very first time.Tears were pouring from my eyes, Chetana wrapped her arms around me and we sat for some time. She asked me what I wanted and I replied "to lay down", she then asked if there was anywhere I wanted to be touched and I said "neck and shoulders", in my first session I couldn't seem to answer her when she asked me that, this time I knew what I wanted and I had found my voice. I thought the session was coming to an end so I began to relax and returned to connected breathing, eyes closed. I remember this build up of energy come over me, my entire body tremouring, it felt as though I was completely off the mattress, like nothing I've ever experienced. I stomped my feet and fists into the mat, shaking the energy out. The energy continued to build and all of sudden this huge powerful "NO" came out of me, it didn't just come from my throat, it came from all of me, it was AMAZING. I wasn't even expecting it or intending for it to come out, I had fully surrendered. My body continued to tremor. Jason came over and was using a shaker to clear energy and played the drum which increased the intensity of my tremors. I had so much support around me, people holding space, completely free of judgement, eyes closed I didn't know who was there but I could feel them, I could feel their loving presence and I didn't feel embarrassed at all. My body relaxed and returned to breathing, I felt tightness in my chest, Natasha began doing some bodywork, Chetana placed her hands on my pubic region which fired up another massive energetic release, tears began to fall and the tremors started again. As the energy began to slow, I opened my eyes meeting Chetanas', she placed her hand on mine, expressing my gratitude through eye contact, tears fell down my face and we smiled and the session came to a close. This was the most profound, emotional, and magical experience I had experienced in my life. For the rest of the night I wore the biggest smile, I felt on top of the world, people came up to me and thanked me for being part of the session and told me how powerful the session was for them witnessing me, it really warmed my heart.
Day 5
Starting the day with Osho's kundalini meditation, I really enjoyed this one, we began with full body shaking, then into free flowing dance, into seated meditation, finishing in a lying down position. We were then taken through a partnered heart based exercise in which we experienced what a closed heart felt like, using our body and voice to express a closed heart. From there we moved into an open hearted experience, feeling the contrast between the two. Moving into our own space, allowing any movement, shaking, sound to come, and finishing off with an embrace with our partner. I felt so open, so much love and gratitude.
Today I chose to partner with Lisa and confidently went to her and asked instead of waiting for someone to ask me, fearing that no one would, this was really refreshing. I was breathing first, I felt so ready and excited. Starting off with some movement, I felt so exhausted and really struggled. My body didn't feel like moving at all or making any sound, it was a very uneventful session. I felt frustrated and disappointed. I expressed this to my partner after the session and she told me that she had been told that I had had a big session the day before, that my body had to recharge. It made sense but I still felt disappointed, I spent the lunch break by the pool and practiced acceptance of what is and let go of my frustration. I did some energy clearing exercises and lifted my spirits, getting ready to hold space.
Heading back to the main hall I felt refreshed, starting off with dancing really helped to charge myself up. Holding space for Lisa was amazing, I felt open, free, and ready. I was able to tune in and trust my intuition, it was a really beautiful session, I felt so grateful to support her through this is practice.
Day 6
At about 5am I felt my body releasing energy, still half asleep, when I woke up an hour later I had a sharp and dull ache around my lower belly, I felt a heaviness in my womb space.
Today's meditation was a tibetan meditation. Stage one, humming. Stage two, movements representing giving energy to the Universe. Stage three, movements representing receiving energy from the Universe. Stage four, seated or lying down silent meditation. It was quite an interesting experience, with each stage different emotions arose. I felt frustrated in stage 1, and then at ease by practicing the giving movements, I really struggled to receive which shows up in my life over and over again, in the last stage I felt grounded, my mind felt busy and as I began to sink deeper I felt waves of shame and regret come over me. We then had a dancing exercise, amazing how free I felt to move, no judgement, no embarrassment, just so in tune with my body, moving to the music.
Continuing to work with women, I partnered with Lyndal. It took me a little bit to get into the session, I was feeling very uncomfortable, sitting cross legged and massaging my diaphragm. Moving to a lying down position I felt this intense heaviness and this constant tingling/pins and needles sensation. Kellie did some bodywork on my diaphragm and Chetana worked on my pelvis down to my yoni, clearing energy that was stuck in that region. I felt this rush of energy move through my body from my yoni up the midline of my body, opening my heart, it was magnificent, this light energy was so freeing. Blockages from past traumas and fears just dissolved completely. My jaw involuntarily tremouring, my arms were moving on their own, I was completely in my body, fully surrendered, no holding back, it was magic. As the session came to an end I felt my body wasn't quite finished, there was more to release. The smell of sage filled the space and I felt my energy being cleared. I opened my eyes, looking at Lyndal we both were laughing, it just felt as though all this heaviness I'd been carrying with me for so long had been lifted and all I could do was laugh, I felt really good. I didn't give myself enough time to integrate and I got up making my way to the hall over where lunch was served, getting up before I was ready really affected me, felt a little light headed and out of my body.
Facilitating Lyndal I felt confident and grounded. I felt really in tune with my intuition and supported by the support team. Assisting Lyndal through her session was great, being a massage therapist I had stopped enjoying being of service to people in that way, facilitating each person in their breathwork session this week allowed me to experience a new way of being of service that I actually enjoyed and felt more presence and unconditional love than ever. Everyone here was here with personal intentions for the week but when it came to supporting others in their session all of that was popped to the side and pure presence was given to those that were breathing. Being in the presence of such purity, such love, and support was absolutely breathtaking. After the second session I felt myself get emotional, for the first time I felt like I belonged, I felt accepted and loved, and none of my past regrets or what I thought of as mistakes, the guilt and shame, none of it mattered, none of it changed how people saw me, all of it was meant with compassion, understanding, and love. I never thought I could openly share the darkest parts of myself with others, especially people that I'd only just met, and still be accepted and loved. For so long I'd been hiding the real me out of fear, I'd make mistakes and beat myself up over and over again, I'd cower in the corner and I really didn't like the person I saw in the mirror. This retreat, the practice, the facilitators, and everyone involved really showed me that it is more than okay to be myself, that in being myself I will experience more love and acceptance than I ever thought possible, and that I am worthy, I am good enough, the darkness, the light, the mistakes, and the achievements, all of it, all of me is divine perfection. I realised there are people in the world who love unconditionally and I realised I have the ability to love unconditionally. My mask was coming off, layer by layer, my true essence shining through for the very first time.
Day 7
Today was interesting.
The day began on top of the hill for meditation in the warmth of the sun. I got very irritated, bugs crawling all over me, it was very hot, and my mind was going CRAZY! All week I have struggled with the silent meditation, today was particularly difficult.
Today we were working on the pelvis. I felt a lot of unsureness, not sure who to partner with, not sure, if I wanted to breathe first or second, I felt quite anxious for the session ahead. Funnily enough, not having a partner and not knowing who was left, I ended up pairing up with Matthew again, who I partnered with in the first session of the week, although this was going to be quite a personal and confronting session it felt right starting and ending the week together. I felt quite comfortable with Matthew so I was more than happy to pair up, it also gave me the opportunity to confront my fear of men and sexuality in a safe, supportive environment. I felt breathing second would be best but I left it up to the Universe to decide, Matthew decided to breathe first, it all worked out perfectly. Holding space for Matthew I could really feel just how far I had come from the beginning of the week. I moved and maneuvered following my intuition, whilst also watching Chetana work on him, I felt curious and intrigued, it was amazing how she knew what to do, what the body needed. I felt strong, grounded, present, I really enjoyed being a part of this session, and noticing the contrast between today's session and our first session together. Both sessions being exactly what they were meant to be, divinely perfect, but so different and interesting to witness that.
In the beginning of my session I got really frustrated, I felt like there was a disconnection between myself and Matthew, the session was moving according to my expectations. After some time, with some guidance from the support team we were able to connect, and I released my expectations and the frustration dissolved. Kellie sat with me the whole time which made me feel really safe and supported. Matthew was palpating my iliacus and psoas muscles which were quite tight and painful. Chetana came over in my session and did some more bodywork on my pelvis and yoni, helping me to find my voice. I felt this power come from my solar plexus move up and out through my throat and repeatedly I yelled "GET OUT", potentially relating to all those times I didn't really want to have sex but was too afraid to speak up. The power vibrated throughout my entire body, I felt so vulnerable but so strong at the same time. I always considered vulnerability to be a weakness but through this session I realised that was not the truth, I was able to express such vulnerability and hold such strength simultaneously. I felt myself start to relax and the tremors began, almost throwing me off the mat, as they began to slow and soften I rolled onto my side and Kellie held my hand as I moved into the integration phase. I opened my eyes meeting Matthew's, smiling and laughing a little, I felt so alive, all I wanted to do was dance and run home to my partner and tell him everything.
We then met with our family group, my energy was drastically different from the first night when we grouped up. I felt so open, free, happy, and I couldn't stop smiling, all that fear that I walked into this hall with had completely dissipated. I held myself differently, I spoke differently, the mask had dissolved, this was me.
This retreat was like no other. I have read a lot of books, attended seminars, completed courses, attended retreats, workshops, I've tried a lot of different things on this spiritual journey of mine but nothing compared to this. Yes everything has its place and I have learned a lot from all of the other things I've done. But this retreat was just beyond my wildest dreams, it was the only place that I've gone to where my fear and resistance was met with love and compassion instead of judgement. I felt supported through the entire week even when I didn't want to open up, I had people there that helped me one on one move through that and go from being so closed off and scared to discovering my true essence. It is something I highly recommend everyone to try. It's truly life changing and I'm forever grateful.