The Art of Saying "No" Without Feeling Guilty
Have you ever found yourself saying "yes" to something you really didn't want to do?
Maybe it was agreeing to work overtime when you had already made plans or attending a social event you weren't interested in.
Learning to say "no" is difficult for many of us due to past trauma, conditioning, shaming and many other factors. As tribal beings we are wired for connection and deeply desire to belong and be part of something and often it feels like saying “no” will threaten that, and in doing so threaten our feeling of safety, and survival.
Logically we may know that if we say no and it upsets someone it won’t actually end our life on this earthly realm but on a somatic level this can be how it feels, like we literally won’t survive the encounter.
Because of past conditioning that stems from childhood and early adolescence many of us have become over-giving, over compensating people pleasers and are afraid of disappointing others. However, saying "no" is an important skill that can help you set boundaries, prioritize your time, and reduce stress.
In this post, we will explore the art of saying "no" without feeling guilty.
Understand why you struggle to say "no"
Before you can learn to say "no," it's important to understand why you struggle with it in the first place. Perhaps you have a fear of conflict or worry about damaging relationships. Maybe you feel a sense of obligation to always be available or feel guilty when you can't help someone.
Whatever the reason, it's important to recognise it so you can start to work through it.
One way to do this is to reflect on past situations where you said "yes" when you really wanted to say "no." What were your thoughts and feelings in that moment? What would have happened if you had said "no"?
By understanding your thought patterns and emotions, you can start to identify any underlying beliefs or fears that may be holding you back.
Another reason you may struggle with saying "no" is that you don't want to disappoint others. While it's natural to want to help and please those around us, it's important to remember that you can't be everything to everyone. Saying "no" doesn't mean you don't care, it simply means you have other priorities or limitations. In fact, learning to say "no" can actually improve your relationships by setting clear boundaries and avoiding resentment or burnout.
Finally, it's important to remember that saying "no" is a skill that takes practice. Just like any other skill, it may feel uncomfortable or awkward at first, but with time and repetition, it will become easier and more natural.
If you think about, we have been practicing people pleasing tendencies for years and maybe even decades, it will take time to shift into a new state of being, to practice prioritising your needs and boundaries.
Recognise the benefits of saying "no"
There are many benefits to saying “no” that will not only benefit you but those around you. What we tend to do is focus on what the consequences may be, how saying “no” will negatively affect us, this is a protection mechanism that will keep you stuck. By shifting your focus onto the benefits of saying “no” you will find it much easier to implement.
Some benefits include:
Improved relationships: Setting boundaries can lead to more respectful and healthy relationships. When you communicate your needs and limits clearly, others are more likely to respect them, which can improve the quality of your interactions.
Reduced stress: Without clear boundaries, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed and stressed. Establishing boundaries can help you manage your time and energy more effectively, leading to a greater sense of control and reduced stress.
Increased self-awareness: Setting boundaries requires you to reflect on your own needs, values, and priorities. This process can increase your self-awareness and help you better understand yourself.
Greater self-respect: When you set and enforce boundaries, you are sending a message to yourself and others that your needs and feelings matter. This can boost your self-respect and self-esteem.
Improved productivity: When you establish boundaries around your time and energy, you can focus more effectively on your priorities and goals. This can lead to increased productivity and a greater sense of accomplishment.
And this is just a few!!!
One of the benefits of setting boundaries and honouring your “no” is that you become this walking permission slip, this EPIC role model that guides the way for others who have been struggling with this as well.
We literally get to make a positive impact on our loved ones, community and the world when we first take care of ourselves and honour our boundaries and needs. How incredible is that???
When you say "no," you are taking control of your life and making choices that are in your best interest. While it may feel uncomfortable at first, remember that saying "no" is a form of self-care and is essential for your well-being.
Practice saying "no" in small situations
Learning to say "no" can be intimidating, especially if you are used to always saying "yes."
One way to start building this skill is by practicing in small situations. For example, if a friend asks you to grab lunch but you already have plans, try saying something like, "I appreciate the invite, but I already have plans. Maybe we can schedule something for next week?" By starting with small situations, you can build your confidence and develop a repertoire of phrases that feel authentic and comfortable for you.
Another way to practice is by role-playing with a friend or partner, or my personal favourite… With yourself in the mirror. Have a friend pretend to ask you to do something you don't want to do and practice saying "no" in a calm and assertive way. This can help you build your communication skills and develop strategies for handling difficult conversations. Or as I said practice by yourself in the mirror.
I have found for some of us that role playing or mirror work can be uncomfortable and we can feel silly but it works, trust me, you’ll find that real life situations feel a little less awkward because you’ve already embraced the silly-ness in role play.
Also silly-ness is so good for you health and well-being.
We have become such serious, straight faced, mask wearing, people pleasers, hiding our natural light and vibrancy from the world.
Silly-ness and playfulness will literally shift your entire state of being, your energy, your vibration and allow you reignite that light within you, life becomes fun again, you’re able to laugh, make mistakes, and be yourself.
Let your QURIKY be liberated and make this practice as fun as possible, I know you can do it!
Use "I" statements to express your decision
When saying "no," it's important to be honest and straightforward. One way to do this is by using "I" statements to express your decision.
For example, instead of saying, "I can't do that for you," try saying something like, "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to help you with that."
By using "I" statements, you are taking ownership of your decision and avoiding blame or judgment. It's also important to be clear and specific about your reasons for saying "no." For example, if you can't work overtime because you have plans, say so. This can help avoid misunderstandings and set clear expectations for the future.
Suggest alternative solutions if possible
When saying "no," it's important to offer alternative solutions if possible. This can help show that you care and are willing to help in other ways.
For example, if a coworker asks you to take on a project but you don't have the bandwidth, you might suggest another colleague who would be a good fit. Or, if a friend asks you to attend an event but you can't make it, you might offer to meet up for coffee or a walk instead.
By offering alternatives, you can still maintain your relationships and show that you value the other person's needs.
Be honest and straightforward
When saying "no," it's important to be honest and straightforward. While it may be tempting to make excuses or white lies to avoid hurting someone's feelings, this can actually backfire and damage your relationships in the long run. Instead, be clear and direct about your decision.
For example, if a family member asks you to lend them money but you don't feel comfortable doing so, you might say, "I'm sorry, but I can't lend you money right now. It's not something I feel comfortable with." By being honest and straightforward, you are respecting your own boundaries and showing that you value honesty and transparency in your relationships.
Set boundaries and stick to them
Finally, it's important to set boundaries and stick to them. This means being clear about your limits and communicating them to those around you.
For example, if you don't want to work weekends, make it clear to your boss and coworkers. Or, if you need alone time to recharge, communicate that to your friends and family. By setting boundaries, you are taking control of your life and avoiding overcommitment and burnout.
It's also important to stick to your boundaries, even when it's difficult. This may mean saying "no" more often or declining invitations, but it's essential for your well-being and happiness.
Saying "no" can be difficult, but it's an important skill for setting boundaries, prioritizing your time, and reducing stress.
By understanding why you struggle with saying "no," recognizing the benefits of doing so, and practicing in small situations, you can start to develop this skill. Remember to use "I" statements, suggest alternative solutions, be honest and straightforward, and set boundaries and stick to them.
With time and practice, saying "no" can become a natural part of your communication style, leading to healthier relationships and a happier life.
For more support check out my 3-Part Video Series, The Power Of Setting Boundaries
I dive more deeply into:
What are boundaries
How boundaries will benefit you and those around you
Building confidence to set boundaries and prioritise you
Overcoming guilt and fears associated with setting boundaries
