Love from within
When I finally realised how worthy I am, I gave to myself so FULLY and my entire life TRANSFORMED!!
Wow! What a journey life is… I remember when I first received the message “Life is a journey, not a destination” and it sounded right but it didn’t feel right. I didn’t know how to switch from destination focus to enjoying the journey. I wasn’t enjoying the journey and no matter what I did or said I couldn’t see how I could enjoy this journey of misery and suffering that I was experiencing.
I hated my life, I hated myself, I hated God for putting me here on this earth plane. I hated my circumstances, I thought if only I had this or that my life would be different, I would be different. If this hadn’t happened or if this happened instead, I would feel better, I would be happy…
But that was a story I was playing out in my head, it wasn’t truth.
I began my healing journey about 6 years ago now when I came across a book “The Celestine Prophecy” after deciding depression wasn’t going to be my way of life anymore. This book shifted my path in a HUGE way. I had no idea what was to follow but I was excited, for the first time in my life I felt hopeful.
My life has taken many, MANY twists, turns, highs, lows, blocks, stumbles, hardship, traumatic experiences, and challenges… Each time I fell I didn't know how I was going to go on, how I was going to get back up, and many times I didn’t want to, I was ready to tap out… Or so I thought.
Each and every time I found a way and I GOT BACK UP! I haven’t had a “bad” life, I haven’t suffered in ways that many have, and so I never allowed myself to fully feel what was happening within me, I didn't feel I had a RIGHT to feel the pain and suffering because others were worse off so I held my feelings in… Until I would explode. But WE ALL HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL, we are all on our own unique journey and perhaps in comparison to some I’ve had it “pretty good” but for me personally, outside of comparison it’s been fucking tough. I’ve been in and out of depression, severe anxiety, physically and sexually abused, I’ve used drugs and alcohol to numb my pain, I’ve given myself in ways I never really wanted to but felt I had to, to receive love, acceptance, validation, connection. But all I ever felt was alone.
I look back on my journey and see just how much pain I was in and how much STRENGTH and courage I had to keep on keeping on. No matter how many times I wanted to give up, something within me was just that little bit louder “You can do this”, my higher self held my hand every step of the way even when I didn’t know it, helping me, guiding me to pick myself back up.
I continued to look for love, acceptance, connection, validation, for someone or something to tell me I was good enough, I was worthy, but I was looking everywhere outside of myself… A relationship, a friendship, career, business, course, spirituality, guru, retreat, the bottle, partying… I looked high and low but I couldn’t find it, I never felt good enough for anyone or anything.
About two years ago I found Breathwork. This was where my first MAJOR shift occurred… This is where I cracked open.
Breathwork is powerful beyond belief and I had no idea what it was. I stumbled across after moving across the country to a new city. IT BLEW MY MIND! How I had no idea what I was doing and it somehow took over, I had no choice but to surrender to my body and follow through with whatever was happening within me.
BREATHWORK CRACKED ME WIDE OPEN!
I felt what had been stored within me for YEARS! I didn't know it at the time but the flood gates were open and I had no choice but to feel. This was so scary, I was confused, I was lost, I was alone in a new city, what was this?! I was also broke and wasn’t able to afford further support to understand what was going on.
Later that year I came into some unexpected money around the same time a breathwork practitioner training showed up, I felt this intense urgency in my body, I HAD TO DO THIS! I didn’t have a lot of money so I was very hesitant about spending it but knew with all my being I absolutely had to.
This training CHANGED MY LIFE! Read more about my journey on this training here
After this experience I entered another “Dark Night of the Soul” phase, I didn’t know how to maintain my high vibes and still connect with those I loved, I feared by changing I would lose those that I loved most so I dropped my vibration and slipped back into depression, anxiety, fear, unworthiness, I lost sight of my true essence once again.
It all got too much and I felt myself continuing to fall further down the rabbit hole, at that point I knew I had to leave the Gold Coast, so my partner and I jumped on a plane with little notice and headed to New Zealand.
I decided to take a break from everything, to just be with myself, to reground, recenter, to just breathe and slow down. That was my first few months here in NZ.
In March I received a message that it was time to stop drinking alcohol, I knew this was hindering my connection to source, to my higher self, to my purpose, to my birth right abundance. Alcohol was blocking me from living my best life, and from doing the work I was here to do. For most of March I was in Perth visiting family and friends, and towards the end of our trip, my partner and I met with a Shaman and took a psychedelic medicine journey. This was the next MAJOR shift I went through.
As I inhaled the medicine, I felt myself drop into the subconscious mind where I experienced a tremendous purging, physically, emotionally, mentally, and energetically. I had no idea what was really happening, I was in complete surrender and unattached. Leaving the ceremony I had no idea if it “worked” or what I was suppose to feel…
It was a stressful journey back in New Zealand, to say the least, arriving just 2 hours before lockdown. With all the stress and travel I realised a few days later my period was late… bom bom bom (if that’s how you write that haha, I’m sure you know what I mean…?). I told myself it was the stress and travel, but a week passed and she hadn’t arrived, we were in mandatory isolation so we waited another week before we could get a test but we knew… I was pregnant. (HOLY SHIT!)
I was still integrating from my Breathwork practitioner training, from the DMT medicine journey, and now I was pregnant. This past year I don’t even know how to put into words other than fucking TRANSFORMATIONAL. I finally gave myself permission to feel, I gave myself permission to slow down, to just be. I welcomed it all. In my first trimester I dropped back into that depression and I welcomed it, I felt anxious, I welcomed it, I felt denial, ANGER, frustration, irritation, fear, I WELCOMED IT ALL! And the more I welcomed it, the easier it moved. As I entered my second trimester I found myself land in this surreal state of balance. I was confused and astounded and so grateful, ahhh! a breather! thank you, thank you, thank you.
I journeyed through my pregnancy (purging, realisation, acceptance), into my birth (initiation, awakening, surrender), into my fourth trimester (integration, acceptance, trust), all the while still integrating from breathwork and my medicine journey, opening to a higher consciousness, and breaking away the blocks that had previously held me in states of fear and procrastination… I all of a sudden had this sensation of ARRIVAL, like I had completed a journey, and I was now ready for the next chapter. My pregnancy was the bridge from my old self to this new version of myself, I was entering a very new chapter in my life.
Through the entirety of my journey I have been given the steps and tools to Return Home to My True Self. I have awoken to who I really am, and I continue to learn more and step more fully into my authentic self. This past year has been a completion of cycle and an initiation. I am now here to share my story and to help others who suffer with depression and anxiety, who are looking for love externally, I am here to help Guide You Home to Your Authentic Self, to help you live your best life!
Today -
Today, in this very moment, I feel ECSTATIC, overjoyed, abundant, FULL OF LOVE, fully accepted, I trust the process of life, I’m open and receptive to the universe, open to receive, WORTHY, validated from within. I’m at peace and I’m excited to be alive for the first time in my life.
I still have hard days, I’m a new mum, I’m building a new business, I’m still figuring out how to be in a romantic relationship with my partner, I’m still on the journey, learning, evolving, expanding. I’m not saying it’s all rainbows and butterflies but it kinda is… It’s surreal. It’s magical. It’s seeing my strength, and knowing that even when times get tough, I GOT THIS!
It’s being unattached and welcoming what comes through, loving what comes, and allowing the energy to flow, whether it feels like crap or it’s the best thing you’ve ever felt, it’s all temporary, the moment changes from moment to moment.
I am now excited to see and feel what comes next rather than afraid and from this new state of being I can enjoy my life so deeply and fully. I am so grateful, and for the first time that’s a genuine statement, I feel such deep gratitude for myself, my journey, for everyone in my life (past, present and future) for everything that I’ve gone through, I’m just so grateful… It all contributed to me getting here, and wow here and now feels fucking incredible. Thank you.
Work with me…
I currently travel both island of New Zealand offering Group Immersions & Retreats.
I also work 1 on 1, online and in person
My upcoming 6 month online program, Love Yourself Awake, starting June 6th, will give you the tools, guidance and support you need to Return Home to Your Authentic Self, to Awaken Your Sacred Heart & Transform Your Life!!!
Get in touch via email info@moniquecarmela.com or via facebook m.me/moniquecarmela
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