From Disconnected, Numb & Just Going Through The Motions to Deep Pleasure, Deep Love & Feeling Fully ALIVE!
I experienced incredible discomfort, disconnection, numbness and contraction when it came to sex, pleasure and being in my joy for most of my life.
When I first began thinking about engaging sexually with my first boyfriend in high school, I was only thinking about it because of peer pressure, everyone else was doing it and I felt like I should to but deep down I knew I wasn’t ready and was actually terrified of exploring this but I did it anyway.
When I began trying to have sex with my boyfriend I would become so contracted, my entire body would tense up and there was no way my boyfriend was getting in. When I shared this challenge with my mum, she took me to see a doctor who prescribed me Valium at age 15 so I could relax.
Yep, you heard that right…
I was prescribed Valium instead of having someone to talk to about what was really going on. My body was speaking to me through sensation, through contraction, saying “NO! I’m not ready for this, I don’t want this” amongst other things I was not yet aware of.
But I was 15 and it was more important to me to “fit in” and do what everyone else was doing.
I felt like there was something wrong with me, why was it easy for others but not for me?
This began poking at deeper wounds that again I was not aware of and has been a big part of what has brought me here today supporting other women to connect to themselves, their body, their sexuality and access their pleasure.
We don’t know where all our experiences will eventually lead us but I have learned that there is always a divine plan, a bigger picture, and that we are always being guided even when we feel like we are not.
The Universe is always here for you, always supporting you, and if you’re in a place where it doesn’t feel like this is true, I deeply see you, I have been there many times.
But something led you to this ebook, this is not by coincidence and perhaps whatever it was that guided you here and landed this ebook in your lap is the Universe showing up for you, supporting and guiding you.
I invite you to trust that you are here for a reason, you were led here for a reason.
Coming back to my story… I was never able to have sexual intercourse with my first boyfriend, eventually I gave up on trying, it was too painful, too scary and I just couldn’t relax, even with the Valium.
That relationship ended and I entered a new relationship when I was 17 whom I lost my virginity to and it hurt every time we had sex for the entire year we were together. Something wasn’t right and I had no idea what it was. I felt lost, confused and broken.
When this relationship ended I was heartbroken and the fairytale dream I was sold came crumbling down and vanished.
This broke me and I felt like I completely lost myself, little did I know this was part of the journey to finding myself.
I began partying and dating and just having “fun”, I didn’t realise that broken heart had created powerful armour that prevented anyone from getting in again, protecting me from getting hurt again.
And so as I went out into the world I continued to find myself attracting people that didn’t wanted to commit to me or the ones that did I didn’t want to commit to and the few times there was a match as soon as I opened up to let them in they would leave.
All these patterns playing out that made me feel powerless, unloveable, not good enough and causing me to become more and more shut down.
I found that I gave from the place of not feeling good enough and so I was constantly trying to prove my worth. My decisions were made from this place and were dictating my life, reality and experience.
Until I began to delve deeper within myself, unravelling the layers and gaining self-awareness that showed me these patterns, allowing me to shift them.
When you shine your light of awareness, you reclaim your power and have the opportunity to choose anew.
A new path, a new story, a new reality, a new experience.
And so the more aware I became the more clear I was on what steps to take to shift my reality and this is where my life began to change.
It was about 5 years from that heartbreak at age 18 that I connected with my current partner, someone who created a sense of safety and was able to hold space that allowed for incredibly deep healing and transformation to take place.
The thing is, there’s only so much work we can do on our own, when there are wounds from past relationships including the relationships with our original caregivers, family, friendships and other people, much of the healing will actually take place in relationship.
So often I hear people say to me, why does this only come up in my relationship, why is my partner triggering me like this…
Because that’s what relationships are designed to do… Bring up past wounds, traumas, limiting beliefs by triggering you so that you can see what’s been buried within you and do something about it.
Without the trigger, you wouldn’t know the wound is there and it would stay buried, unnoticed, unresolved causing havoc and disconnection in your life.
When there is suppressed wounds, trauma, emotions, limiting beliefs within you, it dulls your light and your aliveness, life has a dullness to it, often we have numbness we are not even aware of and so we are not fully experiencing ourselves, our sensations, our experience.
You are only getting a fraction of this human experience.
Relationships and triggers bring forth what’s buried within you so that you can resolve it and connect with yourself, know yourself and experience the fullness of yourself and this human experience.
But not all of the human experience is enjoyable, there are parts of being human that are painful and uncomfortable that many of us try to avoid until we can’t anymore and it can become all consuming and it’s very easy to lose yourself.
But when you practice feeling all that it means to be human, you become stronger, more resilient and you expand your capacity to feel… the “good” and the “bad”
When you numb or distract yourself from the “bad” or uncomfortable feelings and emotions you also numb yourself from the goodness, your pleasure, joy, connection, love.
And this is what I had been doing ever since I can remember.
Numbing myself.
When I began the journey of feeling again I realised that I had actually become more comfortable with being depressed, anxious, angry and pissed off at the world and found that I would feel this much of the time.
What was foreign and incredibly uncomfortable for me to feel was sadness, grief, joy, pleasure, love, intimacy, connection and excitement.
As soon as I felt joy or good about life I found myself quickly “sabotaging” and falling back into anxiety or depression.
I had to learn and practice how to feel good and maintain this vibration. This was absolutely bizarre to me but makes so much sense now and it’s what I support others with in my coaching business.
Being with my current partner has shown me so much, it blows my mind every time I reflect on how much I have learned and received by being in this relationship.
I realised how numb and disconnected I was sexually, how much I was unable to feel due to armour and protection, shame and fear.
There were areas of my body that when touched or penetrated that would bring me to tears, certain spots that would cause me to contract or feel fearful.
There were areas and experiences that brought me into hysterical laughter and experiences I have had that completely opened my heart in ways I didn’t even know was possible.
There were times when I found myself caught up in my head, in stories, in the goal of orgasm, in trying to force my body to open up, trying to force sex or orgasm.
I have discovered that many others have these experiences to.
Many others who find sex to be a chore, an obligation, something they’re meant to do and isn’t actually that pleasurable or enjoyable.
My intention with this ebook (GET THE EBOOK HERE) and within my business is to support you to connect with yourself in a whole new way, to experience deep pleasure with yourself and with another if you choose to.
I want to remind you that Awaken Your Pleasure isn’t just referring to sexual pleasure, it’s about awakening your sexual energy, your life force, your aliveness, your spark.
It’s about coming into deep connection and love with yourself.
Loving, accepting and embracing all of you, all parts of you, all emotions and sensations and learning how to ride those waves, to surrender and expand your capacity to feel it all.
To feel all of you.
And have the most magnificent journey here on earth.
That is what I wish for you, for me and for all of us.
And it’s why I sit here writing this for you.
I know with all of my being that this is possible.
But it will require you to show up consistently, do the practices, feel the feels and trust the process as deeply as you can.
This ebook will get you started but it’s not going to fix everything overnight.
There a deeper layers that require more than just reading books.
I highly recommend working 1:1 with a trauma-informed coach, mentor or embodiment facilitator.
I offer online programs, 1:1 coaching and in-person retreats that will support you in taking what we discuss inside this ebook much deeper and support you to get the results you desire at exponential rates.
Some of the biggest transformations I have experienced for myself by doing this work are
· Expanded my capacity to feel which has allowed me to move through challenging experiences with more ease and has opened me up to experience a depth of love, connection, intimacy, aliveness and abundance that I never knew existed.
· I manifested my dream partner and we have built a beautiful, deeply connected relationship that has allowed me to heal deep wounds and opened me up to incredible experiences including the most epic sex and orgasmic bliss, deep love, acceptance, trust and magic.
· Built a thriving business where I get to share all that I have learned on my journey and support others to thrive in all areas of their lives.
· Healed deep wounds, sexual trauma, released limiting beliefs and have connected to my authentic self and gave me back my voice where I can speak my truth and confidently express myself. When I first met my partner I could barely speak a few words to him out of fear of judgement and saying the wrong this, I would completely choke up and today I am teaching, coaching and speaking at different festivals and events around New Zealand and Australia.
What’s possible for you when you show up for yourself and do this work is truly magical and astounding and I can’t wait to share more with you and hear how the journey unfolds for you.
Feel free to reach out anytime and share your experience, biggest takeaways and any questions you have.
Remember to reserve your space for my upcoming live training, Awaken Your Pleasure, here. Limited spaces available. There will be a replay if you can’t join live which you will get access to when you register for the live training.
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Awaken Your Pleasure
Supporting you to awaken the sexual energy within you and reclaim your pleasure and your orgasm guiding you home to your authentic self in an incredibly deep and powerful way so that you can experience more pleasure, aliveness and intimacy in your life and relationship.