Am I Doing It “RIGHT”?
Sex, Love, Relationships, & The Healing Journey…
What I see time and time again, causing so much pain and suffering for so many people, is the desire to get it right and the wondering of “Did I do it right?”, associated with a deep fear of getting it wrong, of being wrong, of being a bad girl or boy.
This conditioning, like many others I have shared about, came about in childhood through the punishment/reward system, when you get rewarded, loved, and praised for doing the “right” thing or for being a good boy or girl and punished for being a bad boy or girl, for doing the “wrong” thing.
But it’s all relative, some were taught certain things were good and bad and others were taught very differently and may see something that one sees as bad or wrong as not a big deal…
After speaking with and connecting with thousands of people over the past few years in my line of work, I have seen how even the most subtle messaging or witnessing that happened in childhood can have huge impacts on people in their present-day lives.
They create something called a somatic (body) imprint that can cause similar experiences to repeat themselves. Many people wonder why they get triggered by certain circumstances, experiences, and words, some that even seem insignificant, causing people to believe they’re overreacting and shame themselves and feel bad, potentially like when they felt like a bad boy or girl when they were a child…
I support my clients and students to integrate and release these somatic imprints so they can reclaim their personal power and sovereignty and live a life of joy, love, and freedom.
The freedom to be yourself, to embrace all of you, to love all of you because your frickin’ well deserve it.
You deserve to live life to the fullest and live as your authentic self and expression.
But it’s these conditionings, beliefs, and somatic imprints that are holding you back from living fully and authentically.
I would love to touch on some main areas that I work with my clients on that many tend to hold a lot of stories, limiting beliefs, and shame about, where that wondering of “Am I doing it right” comes in and tends to mess things up and create chaos and dis-harmony, not only for you but those around you to.
Sex
Am I doing it right? 🤔
I don’t know about you but I certainly did not get the rundown on how to do sex right. Sex education in school consisted of the teacher trying to get the students to sit in their seats and listen whilst chaos increased amongst the students who were uninterested in anything any teacher had to say.
The only thing I actually remember from that class was the overwhelming loudness and chaos and the teacher passing out condoms and talking about not getting pregnant when you’re young. There may have been some talk about the different diseases you could catch as well. It all just felt like fear-mongering, wear a condom, or all these bad things will happen.
That is NOT sex education to me.
What about the sacredness of sexuality, connecting with oneself, honoring yourself and others and everyone’s boundaries? How about what a boundary is and how to express this with confidence? How about how to speak to your partner about what you’re experiencing? What about connecting to your body and your sensations and how to relax and connect with your heart rather than just your physical genitals?
Where was the discussion about the beauty of sex and intimacy, bringing awareness to the healing power of sex and supporting young minds to honor sex, their sexuality, and their body so they can be more mindful about with whom they connect in such an intimate way?
There is so much I have learned about sex and sexuality in the last 10 years that I am completely astounded that it was not taught to me in those early years.
Something that many people are completely unaware of is their own sexual anatomy, WILD!
I literally only discovered my own sexual anatomy a few years ago and was mind blown that the vagina is only the internal part of a woman, the external part is called the vulva.
I was completely disconnected from my own body due to deep shame, personal trauma, and generational trauma, I was incredibly numb and found a lot of areas painful, uncomfortable, and nauseating.
I have had to do incredible amounts of healing, integration, and exploration around my own sexuality in order to liberate myself, and my authentic expression and to feel connection, intimacy, and pleasure.
What I love about my journey is that I have learned to alchemize my experiences and can now use all that I have experienced and learned to help others.
For most of my life, I wondered if I was doing it right in all areas of life, especially when it came to sex. I feared getting it wrong, I feared rejection and abandonment and I truly believed that sex was required in order to be loved by the opposite sex, this was certainly not the case, I painfully discovered.
There is so much conditioning around the right way to have sex and the wrong way.
But everyone is so unique and their bodies are unique. What works for you and your current partner maybe didn’t work for your previous partner or your next one, and it may not work for someone else. It’s about taking the time to explore your own body, and your partner’s body, and having open communication to explore together, as well as to express and honor one another’s boundaries.
Great sex requires great communication and an openness and willingness to explore and try new things to discover what feels good and right for you and knowing that can and often will evolve and change over time.
The important thing to know here is there is NO ONE RIGHT WAY, there is no one size fits all. You are unique, your partner is unique and your experience will be unique, and isn’t that truly amazing, there are literally LIMITLESS potential experiences to be had!
Do you really want to be doing the same ONE experience for your entire life just so you can tick the box that you got it right in accordance with someone else’s rules or right and wrong?
Or do you want to have new, exciting, and magical experiences that take you to crazy amazing realms of goodness, pleasure, joy, connection, and intimacy…?
I’m going to vote for the latter myself, but as always the choice is yours…
What is more important to you?
Being happy or being right?
Love & Relationships
Am I doing it right?
There’s this preconceived idea that if I get it right, they won’t leave. Trying to get it right in your relationship to avoid the pain of rejection, and abandonment, and attempting to get unmet needs from childhood met in the present by your partner.
There is often a tremendous amount of expectation weighing down on you and your partner, causing such a heaviness on both of you and when you’re carrying such heaviness you tend to burn out pretty quickly.
The fear of messing things up, of having an argument, of being hurt, abandoned, rejected, causes you to live in a highly stressed state, causing anxiety, overwhelm, and dis-harmony and actually can magnetize the experience you don’t want to actually happen, for the Law of Attraction states like attracts like.
You are a powerful creator being, your thoughts, words, and feelings create your reality.
Don’t believe me?
Take a look at your life… Reflect on the thoughts you have been predominantly thinking, the language you use daily, and the feelings you most often feel, and then reflect on your quality of life and the experiences you have had, the “good” and the “bad'“
Have you ever noticed when you thinking and stressing about being late how you are always late in the end and potentially even later than you expected to be? Getting every red light, every pedestrian crossing, other drivers cutting you off, the bus or train is late…
This experience throws off your entire day and at the end of the day you feel like where did the time even go, you got barely anything done, you’re stressed to the max, and now you’re irritable and take it out on your partner and kids.
You go to bed in a mood and you wake up in a mood, tired unmotivated, uninspired, and go for the coffee to get you through the day.
You’re living on autopilot, living out the same experience again and again.
Eventually, the passion and aliveness inside of you begin to dwindle and you notice it very much lacking in your relationship, wondering where the love has gone, where did the passion and excitement go, now you’re just going through the motions wondering if anything will ever change…
Well, things will only change if you do. Stop waiting for something outside of you to change, take action for yourself now, and start creating the life and relationships you desire to have.
Many of us were sold the story about how life will unfold if you do things right, if you’re a good girl or boy… Goes something like this (at least it did for me and many many others)…
Go to school, get good grades, go to university, get good grades, and then get a good, well-paying, secure job.
Find a good man or woman, get married, get a mortgage and buy a house, have a couple of kids, or more. Maybe you decide to stay home and take care of the kids while the man goes to work and brings home that bacon!
Save for retirement, grow old, retire, have some grandkids, and do all the right things in between.
Grow old with your partner and eventually pass away.
The end.
What a nice story and you know what maybe that’s exactly what some people want, desire, and actually do and are incredibly happy with, but maybe the majority of people don’t actually resonate with this story and you can see this everywhere nowadays, the status quo being broken again and again.
But so many are still stuck in the belief that this is the right way to do something, or another story they were fed is the right way but there is NO right way!
You are on your own unique journey and you must find your own right way through exploration and by making “mistakes”, mistakes/failures are really just feedback mechanisms and redirections, they’re not bad, although so many believe that if they fail at something it means they’re a failure and there’s something incredibly wrong with them.
I always say to my clients and students, that when my son was learning to walk he fell over many many times if after the first, fifth, or 20th time, he said “I can’t do it, I’m a failure, I’m just never gonna walk” and then stopped trying, he would still be crawling today and 20 years from today.
But that’s not what happened, he kept getting back up and practicing again and again, like any new skill it takes time.
So why are people giving up way too soon and too often on themselves?
Because they received the message that failure is bad… Like in school A means you’re successful, you’re a good boy or girl, C means you’re average, you passed but you’re not very bright or intelligent and will likely have an average life, D & F means you’re a failure, you’re no good, you’re bad, and you must do the very thing you probably hate or don’t understand again and again until you pass but now you have fear and ideas about yourself from failing the first time and it can cause you to lose belief in yourself and feel worthless.
And you carry all these beliefs and stories into your relationships. Am I worthy or good enough to be in a relationship, will anyone ever truly love me, will anyone stay by me and never leave…
Another conditioning that really relates here is something I have mentioned before around our value being attached to how much we do, give, and achieve.
Many of my clients come to me struggling with people-pleasing and over-giving, doing and giving everything they possibly can to others in order to make them stay or to feel good enough to have these people in their life. It comes from the belief that I am not good enough as I am and therefore must prove my worth to prevent bad things from happening, it’s a protective mechanism that often stems from childhood… I must be a good girl or boy, I must do all the right things in order to be loved, accepted, and belong.
And again this is carried into relationships, you find yourself giving so much to the detriment of yourself, it’s considered selfish or bad to prioritize yourself and your needs, you must be selfless (especially as a woman), you must take care of everyone else but yourself, it’s like cooking up a big roast dinner and serving the entire meal to everyone at the dinner table except yourself, and when everyone’s finished you get the scraps and leftovers, if there are any.
And then you wonder why you’re so tired, exhausted, resentful, depressed, anxious, burnt out, irritable, and triggered…
The Healing Journey
Am I doing it right?
After trying to do all the things right, you begin to realize how much pain you’re in, how triggered and reactive you are, often people get to a very low point where they realize something HAS to change!
They start seeking solutions and begin their healing journey.
For me this happened after a big heartbreak at 19, my first love who I thought was my one and only for life, who I would carry out the story I shared above with, and I realized that the story of having one many for my entire life was a sham and it wasn’t going to happen for me, I lost my person and without realizing I gave up on the spoon-fed dream.
I took quite a different route I would have never expected and became quite the party girl for many years, numbing out from my pain and unknowingly protecting myself from ever getting hurt like that ever again.
I found spirituality at 19 and moved through a very intense pendulation swing for many years, for a period of time I was devoted to my spiritual practice and personal growth and when it "didn’t work” I would revert back to the party girl.
Eventually I woke up to the fact that this swinging back and forth was actually hurting more than doing the deep work and I began taking the necessary steps and setting the necessary boundaries that led me through incredibly deep healing to my current path, relationship and the business I run today.
But what I see for so many, and something I also experienced personally, was the “Am I doing it right” rearing its ugly head.
It’s such a deep conditioning that so many are completely unaware of that they continue to operate from this place even when they embark on their healing/spiritual journey.
We scan our environment and experience to decide whether we’re doing it right… Did I get the transformation, did this program or book change my life or meet my expectations, have I overcome the thing that’s causing me pain.
People have been conditioned to seek the quick fix magic pill and if the modality or teacher they’re working with doesn’t get them instantenous results, it didn’t work.
Or maybe they have an initial breakthrough but then that thing comes back up, “Oh it didn’t work”
But it doesn’t work like that. I often say we are like onions, peeling back layer by layer on the healing journey and when you have that experience or thought “I thought I’d dealt with this, why is it coming back up?” It’s actually just the next layer of that onion. It’s NOT that you did the practice wrong or the wrong practice, or worked with the wrong teacher, it’s that your expectation is that you would do this one thing for a certain amount of time and then you would never feel the thing again.
What I have learned on my journey is that things may come back up and it actually doesn’t mean anything.
You learn the tools, practices and skills to support you throughout life, not the one thing that will stop you ever feeling bad again.
The human experience comes with challenges, uncomfortable emotions, sensations and experiences but it also comes with the opportunity to experience immense joy, pleasure and bliss. To connect with others for however long you do and to let them go if and when that time comes.
We’re here to experience it all. Is it easy? No, but did you really come here for some easy, “perfect” experience where nothing ever goes wrong… Or did you come here to experience it all? To truly know the goodness, you must know its opposite.
But it’s important to know that you are not defined by your emotions or experience. You are divinity itself, you are made of the stars just like me, just like everyone, your experiences don’t change the truth of who you are. You are NOT something that needs to be fixed and fit into some perfect box.
You are unique, you are beautiful, you are divine, you are innately worthy and nothing you do or don’t do will change that.
That doesn’t mean you just throw your hands up in the air and say what’s the point then, no point in healing or growing or having goals or working towards something. It means you can release the stories that are preventing you from achieving your goals and living out your true desires and having all that you want.
And you can start ENJOYING life now.
You don’t have to wait for things outside of you to change for you to be happy.
But you can work on things within yourself as well as external goals to open up new experiences and opportunities.
Am I doing it right?
Fuck knows 😂😂😂
What even is right???
You’ve got to discover what is right for you and if you find it and then it changes, doesn’t mean it was wrong, just means you’re evolving and ready to try on something new.
Where to from here?
I believe the way to live life fully is to learn to embrace and embody all that you are
This will allow you to have the most epic, delicious experiences in your life, in sex, love, and relationships
To have the most epic healing, spiritual, self-discovery journey
It’s really about embracing all that you are
Not getting rid of the bad parts and only embracing the good parts.
Next steps:
At the bottom of the page, you’ll find the link to the accompanying podcast episode, powerful journal prompts that I go through on the podcast, and an affirmation to support you in creating a new story for yourself.
Highly recommend listening to the podcast before doing the journal and affirmation practice.
Ready to dive deeper???
I am about to guide one of the most powerful and potent masterclasses in mid-October and I would love for you to be there. This 3-day live masterclass is for you if you are READY TO STEP INTO your FULLNESS, your AUTHENTICITY & UNIQUENESS WITH JAW-DROPPING CONFIDENCE!
EMBODY is about embracing all of you, including the parts many of us have been conditioned to shame, wrong, and suppress. It’s about building your capacity to feel your deepest emotions that will allow you to rebirth and come into your true essence and experience full body aliveness
We will be diving into the divine masculine and divine feminine and I will be guiding you in powerful embodiment practices to balance these energies and reconnect to your divinity allowing you to become more receptive and MAGNETIC to beautiful experiences and synchronicities that will LIGHT YOU UP and bring you into your flow state
It is going to be absolutely EPIC and delicious, EMBODY is about embracing all of you, learning to love all of you… and experience NEXT-LEVEL self-acceptance.
Currently, you can join us for only $27,
This price will be increasing to $57 very soon, if you’re resonating, you can find the link below which will take you to the registration page.
Listen to the accompanying podcast episode, “Am I Doing It Right” here
Available on Google, Apple, Spotify & Podbean
Journal Prompts:
What is your current story?
Is it serving you? How is it impacting your life?
What is the new story you are committing to telling yourself moving forwards?
How would it feel if that new story was true, what would change in your life by believing this new story? Be specific.
Affirmation:
“I give myself permission to create a new story and a new life that empowers me and lights me up!”